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Joo apedza vakadzi vevanhu

Manje Kira akabva kubasa kwake Buruwayo achimboshanyira vadzimai kupfanyas. Akaburukira patownship akagotanga kunwa hwahwa negen'a romuraini make. Gen'a  rikagotanga kumusasa kuti madzimai ese ari muraiini make apera kukwirwa naJoo.
Asvika kumba vadzimai vakamugamuchira samazuva ose. 

Iye aingofunga nyaya iya but apa achingofungawo kuti kuda wake ndiye akasara kukwirwa naJoo. Akagoti kuna Vadzimai:
"Ko ndanzwa kuti Joo apedza kukwira vakadzi vavanhu muraini kusiya kwomumwe chete
Vadzimai: "MMmm ungava ani iyeye wakasara aa Pamwe
ndimai Mary."

Matsotsi emu harare anetsa

mwe shasha kuHarare uku yaive nebabes so manje. But babes yakange yakaroorwa time-time, so it happened kuti on one of the days yakabatikidzwa iri muden neHusband yegero, so he had to rush out without his pants and shoes, just the shirt.

Upon getting home, knowing his wife would need an explanation, he cooked one. "..mai bhoi ndarohwa nematsotsi, ndabirwa trousers neboots.." Shasha felt better payakanwza wife
ichiti, 
"...umm veduwe, inga matsosti anetsa muno.., (pause) ..., kubva vapfekedza victim yavo condom?"

Amai vafa

Rimwe zuva murume akadzoka kubasa achifemereka. akaona mukadzi vake achakarara ndokusvikoti " mai mwana amai vafa kumusha." Mukadzi haana kuita hanya nazvo, ndokumuka hake, kutsvaira mumba, kwave kuzoenda
kosaloon kunogadzitwa musoro. Apedza akatenga macabbage  2, loaf rechingwa,paketi yesugar kwave kuisa mupepaper bag. Akadzoka kumba ndokubika sadza vakadya ndokuzoti kumureme ndapedza kugadzirira ngatichiendai. Vakapinda mumotor ngokufamba. 

Chakazoshamisa mukadzi ndechekuti
akaona motor yakananga kumusha kwake iye ndokubvunza kuti "ko iwe amai vafa ndevapi?" zvikanzi nemurume ndimai vako iwe. Mukadzi akashamba akati asi une utsinye vadii kundiudza kare kuti ndevangu. Ndingadai ndisina kupedza mari pa make up uye ndatenga zvinhu zvakavanda. saka chitodzosa motor tidzokere kumbare ndinotenga zvimwe.

Yangu yamira

Murume nemukadzi vakasangana pasina mumwe munhu zvake. Murume ave kupfuura asina kumbotaura chinhu nemukadzi uyu, zvakashamisa mukadzi kuti chirudzii.

Mukadzi akati hazviite kuti murume apfuure asina kumbotaura neni. akati regai ndimutaudze ini Akati: "Nhai mukwasha ko dzimbori nguvaiko?"
Murume, sezvo watch yanga isisa shande akangoti, "A a a
amai yangu yamira". Mukadzi uya kwavekuti zvakanakai mukwasha.

Vave kuparadzana murumewo kwave kuti : "Ko imi amai munobva kupi?" 
Mukadzi kwave kungoti: "Aa kwangu kwaZvimba mukwasha"

Murume wangu auya

Then there was this couple in bed at night, Madamu vakabva vavhumuka.
"MURUME WANGU AUYA, MURUME WANGU AUYA KANI!!!!!!!!!!

 Husband ichinzwa izvi yakabva yajamba from bed ikabuda mumba ichimhanya isina kupfeka. 

Payakasvika pagate ndipo payakarealizer kuti iri padheni payo.

Shingi aiva mubarber achigerwa zvake ndokubva awona mumwe mukadzi akanaka chaizvo achitsvaira mubarber mubarber umu.
Tonde: ende sisi makanaka
Mukadzi: maita basa
Tonde: do you mind if i take you out after work
Mukadzi: but i am married
Tonde: you can tell your husband kuti unenge wanonoka kupedza basa
Mukadzi: ok muudzei mega ndiyei arikukugerai

Wife and Hubby watching soccer

Wife and hubby watching soccer:

Wife: sweetie ko uyo akapfekerei zvakasiyana nezvevamwe?
Hubby: Ndi keeper anogara pagedhi. 

After 5 min,
Wife: Ko keeper uya zvaava kumhanya mukati, asiya ghedhi nani?
Hubby: Uyu ndi refree, haasi keeper.
Wife: Saka refree anoita basa rei?
Hubby: Ndiye ano controller game.

After 10 min,

Wife: Ko refree uya zvaamira paraini futi?
Hubby: Uyu ndi assistant refree kana kuti linesman.
Wife: Asi arikuda kusabhura refree ari mukati?
Hubby: No, anoshandira paline ipapo.

After 30 seconds,
Wife: Saka mureza waasimudza uwo iflag yekunyika ipi?
Hubby: Nhai Mwari ndaparei nhasi? Uku team yangu irikurohwa....uku ndirikubvunzwa zvisina maturo...!!

Askana siyanai nemurume wangu

Private caller - Hello am l speaking to Anita?
Anita - Yes
Private caller - Askana siyanayi nezvekufonerana nemurume wangu handiti!!!
Anita -Ndanga ndatya ndafunga kuti muchati ndirege kurara naye.Kana zvakadaro iribho. gudnight

Akapusa ndiyani

Professor vachitukana nemukadzi wavo;
Prof: hauna kufunda ndosaka wakapusa nekuzungaira. 
Wife: akazungaira nekupusa ini newe ndiani,ndiri nani ndakaroorwa naprofessor, ko iwe wakaroora mukadzi asina kana grade 7.

tambidzanai ruoko

Mumwe murume anga ane an artificial hand akasvika parufu, pakubata maoko he removed his hand and said ingotambidzanai ikoko kusvika rwadzoka kuno....

Private number hello...

Takagara mukombie fon yevamwe blaz yorira, ndobva vakumbira kuti driver adzikise volume...kombie yese vanhu ziiii. Blaz: Private number....Hallooo????, eish!!! "handisikunzwa chinhu",(ndobva aisa fon paloud speaker). Caller: (Shouts) "Ndati Wadyirei polony yemwana?"

6 Reasons Dzakanakira Doro Kudarika Mukadzi

6 Reasons Dzakanakira Doro Kudarika Mukadzi

  1. ukatenga doro unokwanisa kudaidza hama neshamwari kuti huyai tinwe doro randatenga asi pane madzimai panonetsa hapadaidzanwe kunyange munin'ina wako chaiye;
  2. ukatengadoro unovhura wega hakuna munhu anozofamba achitaura kuti doro rina Banda ndini ndakarivhura mukadzi wako unonzwa mumwe achiti takabvaneko
  3. ukatenga doro kana risingaite unokwanisa kurichinja wopihwa rimwe bt kana ari mukadzi ma1;
  4. doro rakafanana harina kuti ndere kunzvimbo ipi asi unonzwa vamwe vachiti machawa akapenga;
  5. doro unorinwa kubva musi wa 1january kusvika musiwa 31 december bt mukadzi rimwe zuva anenge akaneta mamwe mazuva anenge ariku.........
  6. pagaro pedoro pakanyorwa kuti alcohol may be harzadas to health unonwa uchitoziva kuti ndinofa bt pagaro remadzimai hapana kunyorwa unotozo yeuka wakufa

the devil is a liar parufu

Mukadzi akanzi ape speech parufu rwe murume wake...akati...the devil is a LIAR !! Vanhu vese vakati AMEN !...akati...Satan atora murume wangu... BUT HE IS A LIAR MHANI. vanhu...vakati AMEN....
akati ..IN THE NAME OF JESUS,,,MANGWANA CHAIYE NDINENGE NDANE MUMWE....vanhu vakati ziiii

tione number yawafona...

mumwe murume akakwira kombi ndokuda kuona pfungwa dzevarume vaivemo kwakudialer 3 digits ndokunyepedzera kufona hanzi 
"sorry babes handichakwanisa kuuya ndakwira kombi nemrume wako",

 kkkkkkkkkkk hanzi varume vakavava zvikanzi tione number yawafona 

Murwere wekuda mazai

Zvinoita munhu kana arwara akomana zvakaoma. 
Vamwe mai vakaenda koona murume wavo ainge arwara muchipatara. Vakamuigira mazai akakafraiwa zvakanzi nemurume wacho: "handisikuda akafraiwa dai mauya neakaboiliswa".
Mangwana mukadzi uya ndokuuya neakaboiliswa zvakanzi "aiwa dai mauya neakafraiwa ".
Ava mangwana acho mukadzi uya ndokuuya neakafraiwa neakaboiliswa zvakanzi nemurume wacho: "aiwa, amafraya aya dai ariwo amaboirisa aya akaboiler dai ariwo amafraya".

kuri kurehwa imi mai tembi

Amai tembi na Baba tembi vakaenda kwachiremba mai tembi ndokuitwa operation zvakanzi nachiremba operation yamaitwa iyi zvotoreva kuti muchaita 2 weeks pasina bonde .
Zvakanzi na mai tembi, "mazvinzwa ka baba tembi"!
Zvakanzi nababa tembi "hongu ndazvinzwa but apa doctor arikureva imimi mai tembi."

kutsvaka expiry date

WIFE: Kwakanaka here swity?   
HUSBAND:: Ko indava mai mfana ?
WIFE : Wabvira makuseni wakabata  marriage certificate iroro indava...?  
HUSBAND: Ndiri kutsvaga pane Expiry Date !!!!

driver dzora volume

Vamwe mai mukombi vakafonerwa vakati driver ndinokumbirawo udzikise volume yeradio yako. Driver akadzikisa volume vanhu vese mukombi vakanyarara. Mai vaye vakaisawo foni yavo pa loud vakati: "Hallo baba vaChipo matiiko?" zvikanzi  nemurume: "Ndati sei wasiya usina kurasa weti yako irimubucket?"

kana maroorana zvino pinduruka

VASATI VAROORANA:
# John.... Ndikuona seuri kunonoka
# Mary.... Urikuda kuti ndiende?
# John.... Usafunge izvozvo
# Mary .... unondida here?
#John.... Zvakanyanya
#Mary.... wakambo danana nemumwe munhu here tiri tese?
#John.... kwete.
#Mary.... Uchagara neni nguva dzose here?
#John.... Nguva dzose ndikawana mukana
#Mary.... Uchandirova here?
#John.... kwete!
#Mary.... Ndovimba newe here?
#John.... Yeah!
#Mary.... mudiwa wangu....


VAZOROORANA: Verengai muchibva kuzasi kuenda kumusoro!!

hure iri rasiyana nemamwe

Man going kuBhawa nemukadzi wake kunotandara vachimwa murume ndokuenda kutoilet mukadzi asara rimwe hure ndokuti utange wapiwa mari murume iyeye haabhadhari uye haadi condom mukadzi ndokungoti hoo ndokuuya vamwe two futi vachitaura same statement murume achingopinda kubva kutoilet akawana mukadzi atotsamwa ndokusvikonzi hande tonopedzerana tave kumba vachongonopinda muTax mukadzi ayingopenga dzamara tax driver ati hure raurinaro nhasi rinopenga rasiyana nemamwe aunosimbouya nawo.

mapurisa kwaMacheso

Umwe mukadzi akafonera mapurisa kuti: "murume wangu aenda neGirlfriend saka ndave
kutevera kwavaenda. Ndine pfuti zvekuti ndikavawana ndiri kushudha vose" 
MaPurisa akabvunza kuti vaenda kupi? Mudzimai uya akati; "Vaenda kuBand kwaMacheso kuVITO" 

Mapurisa akabva atora mota ndokumhanya kuti vatangire mai vaya kusvika. Mupurisa akasviko bvutira Macheso Mic ndodaidzira achiti,"
"KANA MUINE MURUME WEMUNHU ARIMUNO NEGIRLFRIEND MUKADZI WAKO ARI KUPINDA MUNO IZVOZVI ANE PFUTI YEKUSHUDHA IWE NEGIRLFRIEND YAKO MOSE" 

Hanzi door rakaita duku varume vose vachitiza kusanganisira naiye Macheso wacho.

Ndipe hembe ndiwache

Bopoto mumba:
Murume - ndaneta newe enda umbonogara kutuma hure twakakuzvara. Mukadzi- Gonai ktaura dadie Murume - haaa haubatsire better uende kutudumba twenyu. Mukadzi - Ungabva wadaro vaberek vangu . Murume - Rongedza twako izvezvi.......... (Phone ringing)
Mukadzi anodaira phone iri pa loud... Mukadzi pa phone: "Hello baba." Tezvara- wakadii mwanangu? Mwana - Ndrinan baba. Tezvara - Ndaisa $1000 mu accnt mako $500 shandsai mumba imwe yasara mogovana ne mukwasha wangu awane yedoro. Mwana - maita basa baba bye. Mukadzi - Wati ndirongedze hembe dzangu ndiite sei? Murume - Ndati rongedza hembe dzako ndiwache.

Chakachaya kuCourt

Imwe couple ndokuuya ku High Court for a dirvoce:
Judge: Hamuchadanani zvachose chose hre?
Man: Hongu mambo.
Woman: Chokwadi changamire.
Judge: Mune vana vangani?
Woman: Three.
Judge: How do u want the children shared.
Panoita runyararo, votanga kukakavadzana
murume nemkadzi. After some 30 mins they come
back.
Vose: Give us time, taakunoita mumwe mwana,
then we share equally, kkkkk

Haipereri ipapo. After nine months, the woman
gave birth to twins kkkkkkkkkk

mukadzi wangu uchaita sei ndafa?

Murume:ko kana ndikafa unoita sei?
Mukadzi: Ndoroorwa nemumwe murume
Murume:ko pfuma yangu unoita sei nayo?
Mukadzi:ndodya nemurume anenge andiroora
nekuti anenge achitichengeta nevana
Murume:Ko suit nehembe dzangu unodii nadzo
Mukadzi:Ndodzitengesa
Murume:nemhaka yei?
Mukadz:nekuti mupfupi haadzikwane.

mama vabuda neka radio

Husband : Babes uripi ?
Wife : Im home 
Husband : Kunyepa ita on radio
Wife : Radio on shhhhhh
Next day the same thing until one day Zesa raenda murume ndokuti let me surprise my wife wanikwe kumba kune mwana ari ega.
Baba : Iwe amai varipi
Mwana : Hameno vangobuda vakabata ka radio makuseni

Advantages enhamo dzedu mu Zimbabwe

Advantages enhamo dzedu muZIM:
Umwe mukadzi akabata murume wake aine small house. Akatsamwa akaenda kumba kumba ndokusvikogadzika poto yake yemafuta pastove afunga zvekudira murume mafuta anopisa. Akagara hake achimirira murume kuti auye mafuta achisanopisa. Murume achingopinda mukadzi akabva angoti poto iya bidzu ndokudira murume wake. Murume akashaya kuti ko mukadzi akuita sei. Mukadzi ndipo paakazoona kuti kwanga kusina magetsi....

Aunty Rhoda - kuonda

Dear Aunyt Rhoda:
Ndirikuda kuonda asi zvirikuramba. Ndaedza kudya maHealthy Foods, nekujogger asi zvirikuramba. Please help.                                                            

Reply from Aunt:
Tora phone yemurume wako uende kuwhatsapp messages. Unoswera waonda!

Sei musinga uyi nechingwa?

Wife: Nhai baba mwana zvamave ne 6 months muchishanda kuBakers Inn sei musati mambouyawo nechingwa? 
Husband: Iwe baba vako zvavakashanda 35 years kuDoves vakambouya nechitunha?

huya tiverenge mari

Murume: Huya kuno
Mukadzi: Kunei
Murume: ita zvandataura bvisa bhurugwa
Mukadzi: Ndabvisa
Murume: Chiuya pano pamubhedha
Mukadzi: Ndauya
Murume: Chindibatsirawo kuwerenga mari
Mukadzi: Saka bhurungwa rangu ndabvisirei
Murume: Ungazondibira mari yangu uchiisa mubhurugwa

Zvakutoda bonde

Pakaita bongozozo paCopacabana. Mumwe mukadzi akatenga cascade pane umwe murume zvikanzii, "Ah mukwasha, drink renyu harisi kutonhora wani?" Murume akati zvakutoda Bonde amai. Mukadzi akapopota zvakatyisa achiti ungada bonde neni iwe? Murume uya akazoti, "Kwete amai, Bonde ndiforomani wangu."

Chinoz paIpsum

TEACHER:Chinozi kana murume akatsvinda achinzi handsome, ko akaipa anozii?
Chinozi: ummmmmmm anonzi ....ipsum!!

Tsivo - sahwira akandirega ndichi chata newe

Wife: Nhai baba Choklate, madini kuyambira shamwari yenyu iri kuchata next week kuti mukadzi waari kuchata naye haaite, ihure, huchapa futi ane makuhwa!
Husband : Ndinomuudzirei? Its a pay back time! Iye akandiregera ndichichata newe wani

Sisi vebasa pa whatsapp profile picture

Amai vakachinja profile pic kubvisa yababa kwakuisa ya pastor. 
Baba: ko chave chii zve pa pro pic?
Amai: ndawona kuti pastor vanotinamatira misi nenguva mazuva ose saka ndati ndivaisei paprof pic apa..
Baba ndokuti zvakanaka. Baba vachibva vachinjawo ndokuisa remusikana webasa (house girl). Amai vachinodai pa App yababa wanikwe pa prof pic pave na sisi. 
Amai: zvaita sei chii chandirikuona ichi?
Baba: ndawona kuti sisi vanotiira zvose, kubika, kuwacha zvese nekuchengeta vana isu tirikubasa. ndawona zvirinani ndimbovaisa paprofile pic pangu

Uri mwana here iwe

Mukadzi akabvunza murume wake kuti iwe why usingade kunditengera ma sweet. murume akati uri mwana here

Tese tiri varidzi

Hanzi siyana nemukadzi wemuridzi. Asiri muridzi ndiani? Kungoti maridziro, kwekuridzira nechekuridzisa ndozvakasiyana asi tese tiri varidzi

Nguva yekutenda pa Radio Zimbabwe

Radio Zimbabwe. Nguva yekutenda. 

D.J - Hello paRadio Zimbabwe.
Caller - Hello. Ndirikuda kutendawo. 
D.J - Taurai henyu nyaya yenyu. 
Caller - Ndawanikidzwa namadam ndiine girlfriend inogara musame line nesu. Vabva vamhanya kumba kwakunoisa 2l yecooking oil pastove. Ndichingopinda padoor vabva vandidira poto yese yemafuta, wanike Handina kutsva. Madam vabva varangarira kuti hakuna magetsi. Saka ndoda kungotendawo VEZESA nebasa ravo guru ravari kuita rekudzima magetsi. Rambai makadaro.

Ko makamuka rinhi?

  • Helo, helo ndiani?
  • Imi ndimi ani mondibvunza kuti ndiani pafoni yangu?
  • Ndaona number dzako mufon yemurume vangu?
  • Yakanzi ani
  • Abby...
  • Saka mamuchibvunzirei maona zita?
  • Ndokumbirawo usiyane nemurume vangu..
  • Hoo makamuka rinhii?
  • Kubva kupi?
  • Kumakuva,murume venyu akati makafa? Aitondinyengawo ndikamuramba ndichiti handidanane nevanhu vakafirwa manje zvamuri vapenyu ndakutomuda 

Murume achitengera mukadzi wake Bra

Ko yemazamu iyi pakazopinda vamwe blaz muBotique ndokuti "Ndirikudawo bra yaMadam vangu. Asi handizivi kuti vanopfeka size ipi. I just want to surprise her" Zvikanzi naShop owner. "Hazvinetse, ane mazamu anenge maPaw paw here?" zvikanzi "Kwete, maPaw paw akurisa" zvikanzi "ko maOrange?" zvikanzi "kwete, maOrange akurisa zvakare." zvikanzi "semazai?" Zvikanzi "exactly, semazai, but ari maFried".

Ndiyani anokuti 'Beautiful' pakati peusiku iyeye?

Veduwe zviri mudzimba zvakaoma. Mukadzi nemurume vakarara fon yemukadzi iri pacharge. Time yava around 0000hrs murume akamuka anzwa fon yemukadzi ichirira kamwe kasound. Paakaitarisa akamutsa mukadzi. Murume ndokut kumukadzi wake;" Ndianiko anokutumira message yekuti BEAUTIFUL pakati peusiku kudai"? Mukadzi akabva apindura murume wake nehasha zvikanzi,"Kana musingachaoni endai mundoparwa maziso baba, pakanzi BEAUTIFUL here apa kana kut pakanzi BATTERY FULL?"

Ndidzokorore here? Makwikwi eNzou

Vamwe baba vaifarira zvekutamba njuga, rimwe zuva vakaverenga mupepanhau maive makashambadzwa nzou yaiitiswa competition.
Zvainzi kwaidiwa munhu anokwanisa kuita kuti nzou iyoyo icheme. Paihwinwa mari ine chitsama. Mudhara akagaya munyati, ndokuenda kumakwikwi aya. 
Mudhara uya akasvika akaona vanhu vakawanda vachizama nzira dzose asi nzou isingacheme. mdhara Akaongorora nzou iya akaona iri hadzi akati hazvinetse, akabva akumbira kuti vanhu vese vamupe mkana ndokuupihwa. Akabva anyahwaira ndokuenda kushure kwayo achibva aita zvekutunga nemusoro uchibva wanyura munhengo yesikarudzi yenzou iya. Ipapo ipapo nzou yakanzwikwa kuchema yarwadziwa ukuwo mdhara musoro wakuramba kubuda, vanhu vakatozoita bishi kumukakata kuti abude ndokumumhanyisa kuchipatara sezvo ainge akomoka nekushaya mweya wekufema asi akanga atohwina. 
Zvino, after 2 days mdhara uya akaonazve mubepanhau nzou imwecheteyo yadzoka zvekare mucompetition asi this time kwaidiwa munhu anoita kuti nzou iyi igutsurire musoro yobva yazoudzungudza zvekare. 
Mudhara akafunga mari ndokumhanya kumakwikwi aya zvekare. Akasvika kuya ndokuona vanhu vari mushishi kukakatana nemusoro wenzou aasi isingabvume zvavaida. Akakumbira mukana vanhu vakambomuseka vachiti aifunga kuti angabudirire here sezvaakamboita pakutanga.
Zvisinei vakamupa mkana, mdhara akangoenda kumberi kwenzou kwakuizevezera munzeve achiti:
"Uchiri kundiziva?"
 Nzou yakagutsurira musoro mdara ndokuti:
"Ndokudzokorora zvandakambokuita futi?"
Nzou yakabva yadzungudza musoro vanhu vose vakaombera maoko mudhara akabva atohwina!

Mai Chisamba - Kujairira basa kwakaoma

Mai Chisamba vachitaura nemurume wavo:

Hubby:  My love, I love you with all my heart!

Mai Chisamba: Eheee ndizvozvo varoverei maoko. Mafungiro avowo!!!

Baba vamwa mushonga weshiri

Akawana murume wake akati rapata kurara pasi pemuti,kufema achifemera kurekure. Parutivi pake paine empty bhodhoro reEagle. Hoyo mukadzi mhere kwetsu, hanzi vanhuwee huyai mundionerewo murume wangu anwa mushonga weshiri!
Potai muchimwira kumba vakadzi vazive doro

Kutemhera vamwe mango mumuti

Hubby: ko zvawanga usingadaire phone wanga uchiitei?         
Wife: ndanga ndiri mumuti ndichitemera shamwari dzenyu dzekubasa mango
Hubby: aaaaaah!! ivo vanga vari pai?
Wife: vari pasi vachinhonga.
Hubby: iwe aah shit dai usina kukwira hauone kuti vanga vachida kukuonerera brugwa rako here?
Wife: ndazviziva ndosaka ndaribvisa brugwa racho ndatokwira ndisina.

Ungazondibira mari yangu

Murume: huyakuno
mukadzi: kuzodii?
Murume: itazvanda taura
mukadzi: ndauya
murume: bvisa bhurugwa
mukadzi: ndabvisa
murume: chiuya pano pamubhedha 
mkadzi: ndauya 
murume: ndibatsire kuverenga mari yangu iyi
mkadzi: saka ndozvandabvisira bhurugwa rangu
murume: ehe ungangondibira imwe uchiisa mubhurugwa.

Usandinetse ndakuda kurara

Wife: Perfume yemukadzi yamuri kunhuwa maitorepi
Husband: Ndagumwa naamai vandanga ndakagara navo mukombi
Wife: Ko Lipstick iri pamuromo maiwanepi?
Husband: Ndaiwana kuna amai Julie pandanga ndichivakorokotedza
kupasa kwavakaita ku night school
Wife: Koma used condom ari muhomwe
Husband:Siyana neni ndakuda kurara
Wife: But hazvisi fair isu tikashandisa hatimbouya nawo kumba
Husband: Watiii?
Wife: Usandinetse ndakuda kurara

Murora navamwene - anobvisa ndiyani

Muroora: Haloo mhamha 

Vamwene: Hes mwanangu varisei vamwe? 

Muroora : varinani havo, ndine mubvunzo mhamha.. 

Vamwene: sununguka mwanangu

Muroora : mwana akazviitira tsvina anofanira kubvisa ndiani? 

Vamwene : amai vacho ka ndovanobvisa mwanangu... Otoita mwoyo wekubereka. 

Muroora : maita basa mhamha, in this case mwana wenyu adhakwa abva azviitira tsvina saka mosvika nguwai kuzobvisa??

Chinoz - Ko hamusi kunzwa chando here?

Wife : ko nhai baba mwana nechando chiriko ichi apa hamuna juzi, hamusi kutonhorwa here??   
Chinoz: uuuhmm I think ndatova ne problem yenzeve.handisi kunzwa chando

Munyama uri kumbobvepi

Murume: mai mwana hanty paya pandakarwara nemakumbo wanga uineni
Mukadzi: hongu baba
Murume: paya pandakadzingwa basa kwandaishanda wanga uripo
Mukadzi: ichokwadi daddy
Murume: pandakatsikwa nemota waingova neni
Mukadzi: ehe ishuwa darling
Murume: munhamo nematambudziko ese wanga uripo
Mukadzi: its true my luv (about to cry nerudo)
Murume: saka ndaona kuti pese pandakatambura waingova neni so: CHISIYANA NENI NDIWE UNONDIPA MUNYAMA!!!

Uri kuchemei pa recipe?

A cheating wife recieved a massage from a boyfriend saying ''Its over....!'' 
Murume ndokubvunza achiti: ''What are you reading sweetie?'' 
Mukadzi ndokuti: ''A recipe from mai Tanaka''
Murume: ''Saka uri kuchemei?'' 
Mukadzi: ''Ndavakuverenga part yekucheka onion ''

Tsamba kuna Tete

Dear Aunty Rhoda : ndaitawo dambudziko. Mukadzi wangu anorara akapfeka hovhorosi. Pamwe bomber jacket, pamwe swimsuit , pamwe track suit. Nezuro akarara ne overcoat mukati aine skin tight. Ndodiiwo? 
Mhinduro: Dear Muzukuru, Ukwane iwe wanzwa. Tenga magumbeze nxaa. Tibvire apo

Mabasa edoro

Baba:Nhai mai mwana,ko mutoilet maisa light re automatic?
Amai: nemhaka yei madaro baba?
Baba: ndikungomuka ndovhura door light roto lighter,ndovhara rodzima.
Amai: Nhai imi matanga futi system yenyu yekuwetera muFiriji kana madhakwa

Mukadzi oreurura zvitadzo kumurume

Mukadzi airwara serious akati regai ndiudze murume wangu zvandakatadza ndisati ndafa,    

Mukadzi : daddy ndakufa  ini          
Murume :  usadaro swty ahufe mwari vanewe        
Mukadzi : sorry honey nezvandakaita ndaikubira mari ndichinopa boyfriend yangu pluz Tadiwa ahasi mwana wako ndiwe boyfriend              
Murume : ndaizviziva ndosaka ndakuisira poison!

Mubedha wakambo rarwa neumwe mukadzi

Asi vakadzi vakapusa unotonzwa vachizvikudza hanzi handirari pamubhedha wakamborarwa nemumwe mkadzi hee handishandisi midziyo yakamboshandiswa nemumwe mkadzi kkkk ko nhengo yababa yacho munodi kuiramba cz yakamboshandiswa nemumwe mkadzi

Unoita sei kana tikabata lotto

Hubby asks wife:
"Unoita sei ukanzwa kuti ndahwinha lotto?"
Wife: "Ndinotora half yacho ndokutiza."
Hubby: "Ndagona 3 numbers saka ndahwinha $27. Tora $13:50 yako urove pasi."

Ndatonzi ukasimuka hokoyo!

Pastor akapa announcement muchurch kuti murume wese anotongwa nemukadzi ngaauye kumberi,varume vakaita mudungwe kuenda kumberi kukasara kwakagara murume mumwe, Zvinova zvakashamisa pastor. Vakabva vati chitipawo solution kudambudziko ratinaro pano nokuti ndiwe usina problem. The man replied, 'ndatonzi ukasimuka hokoyo'! 

Rudo here kuti vanhu vageze vose

Ukanzwa murume achidaidza mudzimai kuti vageze vose everytime usafunga kuti rudo rwakanyanyisa. Kwete bodo, kutya kuti foni inosara ikavhurwa kana kufonerwa nesmallhouse 

vanhu rume vaka ngwarawawo

Musadheerere varume zviri mudzimba umu!
Shumba akadzoka kumba pakati pehusiku apa madam BP yakakwira..
Shumba: Mai kim ndivhurirewo door.
Mai kim: Handidi enda kwawanga uri. Inguvai idzodzi?
Shumba: Saka ndakuzvikanda hangu muswimming pool ndife.
Mai kim: Ifa i dont care. Shumba anotora zidombo okanda muswiming pool....juuubwiiiii.
wife panics and rushes out straight kuswimming pool. Shumba opinda mumba okiya door .
Mai kim: Ba kim nhai vhurai door.
Shumba: Wait ndichambofonera hama dzako nedzangu uvaudze kwaurikubva this time wakapfeka pant nebra.

vakadzi vava kuwanza makeup

Ikozvino varume vanoto fanirwa kufamba nema dish ne sipo,  akaona mukadzi waada oti gezai kumeso asikana tizivane...

Kuitira kuti asazo ita heart attack the next time he sees her..

dai hangu ndiri bepa nhau

Murume aigara achiverenga newspaper nguva dzese.

Mukadzi: aaa dai ndiri newspaper
Murume: sei wadaro?
Mukadzi: nekuti waigara wakangondibata
Murume: neniwo ndaishuwira kuti dai waiva newspaper
Mukadzi: sei wadaro
Murume: nekuti ndaiti ndikakuverenga nhasi ndobva ndarasa mangwana ndotenga rimwe.

Ndapotsa ndabatwa ndichi dongorera

But mfesi wangu Joromia akadyiswa zvakaipa nemukadzi wake.
 Ndakamudza kuti amanye kumba kwake madam vake vapinza chikomba.Kwakudzoka kubhawa achifemereka kwakuti "Ma1, ndapotswa ndabatwa ndichivadongorera!"

Masasi ekupenga: madam vakango nyarara

Madam vangu vakangonyarara handisikuziva kuti vambobata fon yangu here kana kuti vari kurwara 

kuyamwa zamu ra amai nere girlfriend

Unoita makore maviri uchiyamwa zamu ramai nhasi ukutadza kuvatengera 2 kg ye sugar chaiyo?

Asi girlfriend kungoyamwa zamu risingabude mukaka wotosiya Tablet (Samsung)

Tisadaro varume

Usada kundifadza nenhema

Wife: Handichadi hangu, ndakuenda kumba kwedu, Sara hako uchandifunga rimwe zuva, mangwana chaiye ndiri kuenda
Hubby: Handidi munhu anoda kundifadza nenhema.

masasi ekupenga: nyama kana kuti mince

Bhaibheri rinoti murume nemukadzi vachava nyama imwe. Saka kana iwe wasangana nevakadzi hobho ichiri nyama here or mince

Tendaiwo asikana

Janet: Varume vose imbwa!
Veronica‬: Kana wako ari imbwa havirevi Kuti vose imbwa my sister. Ini wangu is a two headed snake who is unashamful and conniving.a dirty pig asina hunhu. Better wako imbwa chete. learn to appreciate asikana