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ebola mu zimbabwe

Zimbabwe today recorded its first Ebola case in Hurungwe.This morning at the district hospital a healthy baby boy named Ebola Moyo was born at 05:27hrs to happy parents Fred and Monica Moyo....

Kuma kuva here kuno?

  • When Zimbabweans have money and minerals they keep it in Switzerland. 
  • When they are sick they go to South Africa or Malaysia. 
  • When buying mansions they visit Dubai or London. 
  • When shopping they go to China or Dubai. 
  • When on holiday they visit South Africa, America or London. 
  • When educating their children they select South Africa, Malaysia, Australia, UK or America. 
  • When praying they go to Lagos or Jerusalem, 

BUT when they die they all want to be BURIED in ZIMBABWE! 
Please could you ask them for me, is ZIMBABWE A CEMETERY?

Chinoz pavaka uraya chipembere

Cde Chinoz vakasungwa nemapurisa ndokuendeswa kucourt.
MAGISTRATE: VaChinotimba mune mhosva yamuri kupomerwa yekuuraya chipembere munobvuma here kana kwete. 
CDE CHINOZ: pamusoroi changamire, makurukota,vedare nemi mose makateerera. Ini ndirikushamisika kuti ndiani arikundipomera mhosva ini ndisina kuuraya chipembere chake.
MAGISTRATE: Tati munobvuma here kuti makauraya chipembere? 
CDE CHINOZ: Hongu chipembere ndakauraya asi ndezvaniko zvipembere zvacho? 
MAGISTRATE: Ndezvedu tose as Zimbabweans. 
CDE CHINOZ: Ehe saka ndakauraya changu zvasara zvose ndezvenyu ini handisisina chipembere.

Zvituko hobho

  • Mbuya vako munigga vanodropa zambia vomonerera dhuku mumaoko
  • Baba vakadzingwa basa nenyaya yekutambisa gedhi palunch
  • Haisi mhosva yako,imhosva yema dzitateguru ako aienda kuhondo asina zvombo achitemba kupopota
  • Ndosaka baba vako vakarohwa naamai nenyaya yekuchemera kurara muprema
  • Matama semimba yegonzo!
  • Wakapusa kunge mukadzi wen'anga anodaidza murume wake kuti sekuru
  • Uri benzi wakarega chikoro munhu wawaikopa afa 
  • Kumashure kune chirimi kana wakubudisa mweya kunoti thuuuu.
  • Kumba kunotyiwa aids kwamunobika makapfekedza mugoti condom
  • Kungwarisa kunge wakakura uchichera nyoka
  • Face yakachecheudzwa
  • Mumba menyu mugomba vanhu vakati gogoi unoti wirai
  • Kusviba zvekuti ukapinda musango tsubvu dzose dzinodonha dzichiti IGWEEE
  • Ndosaka wakaenda kuhondo nepinjisi uchiti urikuda kunosunungura Zimbabwe.
  • Kumusha kure kunosvika mapostori akunzi mawhite ninjaa
  • Kusviba kunge blackmarket
  • Dhirezi rako rakahwinwa nababa vako vakunda munhu wese kuridza chiwepu padhibhi.
  • Kuomera ungati chibereko chehure.
  • Kufumuka kunge mukadzi wechigure anonongedzera murume wake achiti ichoo.
  • Wakajaidzwa nambuya vako vaikurova neZambia.

Xenophobia iri nani

Kwaungada kuenda ndokupi?

  • South Africa - Xenophobia  
  • Nigeria - Bokohamphobia 
  • Iraq - war,Islamic statephobia
  • DRC - Ebolaphobia 
  • Zimbabwe - Nzaraphobia  

Ini ndoti kuXenophobia kuri nani,better kurohwa ndakaguta amheno imwi

Nyangwe iyo xeno, hati uyiko!

wotonzwa 00263 hanzi chiuya kumusha unorohwa ne xeno. Hatiuyeko zvekumhanya! Tichauya kana mombe dzakupinzwa mudanga ne remote

Chinoz - vaimbi vepa Indipendence

Chinoz vanyora list yemaMusicians achaimba paIndependence gala 
  1. Areki Macheso
  2. Ja Pureza
  3. Soja Ravhu 
  4. Kira Ti 
  5. Toki Vhaibhusi 
  6. Se Karazi 
  7. Dhokota Simuzi 
  8. Pita Moyo 
  9. Redhi Swanda 
  10. Metiyasi Mhere 
  11. Renadhi Zhakata
  12. Charusi Charamba 
  13. Wingi Dhi 
  14. Roki 
  15. Arekisio Kawara
Endi meni mo

Nzvimbo dzemuZimbabwe ne mbiri yadzo

Mbiri ye nzvimbo
                                     
1. Bulawayo - okapi knife🔪, shabhini 🍺🍻🍺
2. Mutare mheni
3. Gokwe varoyi👽
4. Murehwa ngoma📦
5. Mt Darwin runyoka🐍
6. Kwekwe amakorokoza 💎
7. Shurugwi makorokoza 💎 mhondi 🔪🔫💂
8. Gutu vanhu vakapusa
9. Binga vanhu vakasara vanoda mbanje🚬 stereki
10. Shamva mahure👩 asina utsanana🛀🚿
11. Bunket, centenary - zvigure👿
12. Gweru chando 💨
13. Zaka, chipinge varoyi👽                  
14 mtoko mapuno
15. masvingo kudhura💰 kuroora👰 💍 + kuchekeresa💘
16 Marondera huchi🍘
17 chivi vasikana👭 vakashata
18 Nyanga bananas 🍌🍌🍌
19 Chiweshe vaporofita👼
20. Harare ....ndokwatirikuitira reseach🌐📚💻 yacho.
Iwe👈 unobvepi?

Masasi evanhu vakatiza xenophobia

MASASI EVANHU VAKATIZA XENOPHOBIA
1)EJOZALE HAKUNA ZVESE IZVI.
2)UMM MINA MUSANDIISIRE ROMI
PACHINGWALE.
3)KATI KUNO HAKUCHABATI SABC EISH
MAKASARA.
4)CHINGWA KUITA R10 CHINOMBOISWA
CHIIKO CHINGWA CHACHO.
5)ZVINHU ZVAMUNAZVO MUNO MUMBA
HAZVITIMBOSVIKI PAHALF YEZVANGU
ZVAKAPISWA NEMBWA DZEKUSOUTH.
6) TWIZA MINA HANDIBATI INWAI ZWENYU.
7) INI NDAJAIRA KUKWIRA MATAXILE
ZVEMAKOMBI ZVINONETSA
8) 15c PER MINUTE IYI NDOINONZI
DAYLIGHT ROBBERY CHAIYO KUSOUTH
HAKUNA ZWESE IZWI
9)MINA SHONA INONDIVHEKISALE
10)KHATI MARI YEMUZIM YAKUNZI MABOND
COIN

chinoz - indigenisation

Reporter : nhai vaChinoz why is it mazuvaano vasikana vachizora zvinotsukisa?
Chinotimba : ndoo inonzi indigenisation tave kugadzira varungu tega muno muZimbabwe

Gore Rezvidzidzo - akarwa hondo ndiyani

So, akarwa hondo yekusunungura Zimbabwe ndiyani?

Mujuru haana kudonhedza chikopokopo,

Didymus Mutasa haana kurwa hondo ayive busy with his wife in Mozambique,

Munangagwa was in Zambia studying, 

Mugabe was teaching in Ghana

Iro gore rino tichadzidza zvakawanda

Flag ye Zimbabwe

Teacher: ko black colour iri paflag yedu yeZimbabwe yakamirirei?
Mwana: Load shedding

Kushata kweRhodesia, Kunaka kweZimbabwe

KUSHATA KWERHODESIA

1. Wakadzidza kana kuti hauna basa wairiwana.
2. Kwaitengeswa mombe 1 kuendesa mwana kuUniversity.
3. Uchingobva kuUniversity basa, mota nemba straight.
4. Waimanikidzwa kuchata kuti upiwe imba mahara mutown.
5. Companies vaipa vashandi vavo hove dzakaomeswa (bakayawo) nesipo yekugeza maovhorosi.
6. Kwaisadiwa munhu asingashandi kugara mudhorobha.
7. Baba kana vafa mwana aibva apinzwa basa ipapo pasina interview.
8. Kana nguva yekurima yakwana waigona kumbosiya zvako basa mutown wonorima, uchidzoka basa rako rakakumirira.
9. Migwagwa yaive isina makomba makomba.
10. Kumisha mwana airangwa nemunhu mukuru wese pasina kupopoterana.
11. Vanhu vaimwa mvura yemurwizi vasingarware.

KUNAKA KWEZIMBABWE
1. Munhu wese ava kutengesa zvaanoda pamadiro.
2. Vanhu vava kupindawo muzvimbudzi zvaive zvevarungu chete uchisiya R5.
3. Tave kubvumidzwa kutenga ivhu 400 square metres neUS$4000 tozovaka imba yedu ipapo.
4. There is equality, ane degree neasina kana grade 1 tese mustreet.Mabasa hakuchina vanhu votopona nediaspora.
5. Kana une top face muhurumende unopiwa munda 50 ha, inputs wozvionera.
6. Mari inombopera kumabanks, zvobatsira kuti uichengetedze wega. Haupuhwi interest.
7. Kuuraya shumba kutokonzeresa pane kuuraya munhu.
8. Tava kukwanisa kubhadhara medical aid for no services at all.

Tiri mugore rezvidzidzo

Mitengo yegore ra 2008

Muchazviziva here kuti musi wa 15 October 2008 mitengo yanga yakadai:

  • Loaf re chingwa—Z$14 000 000-00
  • 2kg sugar—Z$60 million
  • Box rematches—Z$2 million
  • 2L cooking oil 一Z$85 000 000-00
  • 2L paraffin   一Z$35 million
  • Exercise book A4一Z$9,5 million
  • Eversharp 15M  一Z$5m
  • Harare to Mutare 一Z$950 000 000-00
  • Frm S.A to Harare in rands R150 to Z$50 000 000 000 / 50 billion
  • TV, bed 一Z$1 quad
  • Motor bik 一Z$3,5 Trillion

Bond Coin - usaore moyo

Chero vanhu vakakuramba usaore moyo! Mangwana ndiwe unenge wakudiwa.... Tarisa uone zvakuita Bond Coin kudiwa kupfuura Rand !!!

Bond coin ne rand pa tuckshop

Wotosvika paTuckshop uchida maheu wobvunza kut imarii zvobva zvanzi 5rand iwe neconfidence wobudisa 5 rand yacho.
Ndipo paunonzwa zvonzi aah mari idzi hatisi kutambira mazuva ano dzirikuzotinetsa. Tirikuda mabond. Wotoshaya kuziva kuti bond rakazoita rand riinhi?
Ndopaunozoona kut zvidzidzo zvegore rino ukaita zvekutamba unofoira.

Zimbabwe yakachipa kufona kana uri ku Gehena

Mubritish, muamerican  nemuzimba vakafa vakaenda kugehena. 
Akatanga mubritish akada kufonera vanhu  vake vekuUK kuti anzwe kuti vasara sei. Akapiwa akafona 5minutes apedza akabvunza kuti imarii satani akati $5million ndokukumbira computer kuti atransfer mari yacho.

Tevere muamerican kusada kusarira akafona 15minutes kwakubvunza kuti imarii satani akati 15million akamunyorera cheque.

Muzimba akafonera vanhu vake akataura 48hrs kwakubvunza kuti imarii satani akati $1, muzimba akachibvunza kuti chii chikonzero? Zvikanzi naSatani kana urikugehena uchifonera Zimbabwe zvakachipa coz iLocal.

Zvinhu zvisingachataurwi nemazita muZimbabwe

Zvinhu zvisingachataurwi nemazita muZimbabwe:

  • Aenda - Magetsi
  • Adzoka - Magetsi
  • Haisi kubuda - Mvura
  • irikunetsa - Network
  • Yarohwa futi - Chelsea
  • Adonha futi - Mugabe

Chingodya zvawatenga chete

John : Sorry sisi ndingakubatsirayi nei?
Thelma : Ndatenga ma chips pano.
John : Dambudziko nderei
Thelma : Ane mapete
John : Eeee saka iwe wati watenga chii zviya? Ma chips kana kuti mapete?
Thelma : Ma chips!
John: Ndizvozvoka sister idyai zvamatenga, mosiya zvamusina kutenga.
John: Next Customer.

Ma problems ese disappear - mvura, magetsi, salary

zvinhu zvava kuto dissapear mu Zimbabwe

1. rains dissapear
2. magetsi dissapear
3. mvura dissapear
4. salaries dissapear
5. mabasa dissapear

Imi moimba Hepi hepi?

Ma clarks edhora

Kwedu kujecha kwatinobva, kwatakazvarirwa...usazoshamisika ka ukanzwa mwana achideedzwa onzi " enda unotenga ma clarks e-$1 tibikire vaenzi" ... anenge atumwa nzondora...

Mari haikwani

pana amai vanevana vavo vatatu vanotambira $2000 na house girl anoda $80na gadern boy$70 first born anoenda kuvarsity anoda $800 second born ari kucollege anoda $650 third born ari form four anoda $250 apa vanodya chikafu che $50per month! aah izvavakutoda vanogona maths kufunga kwako amai vanoshandira mari pamwedzi

Todii kana tichisina rand ne dhora

Mazvinzwa here zvaitika muZimbabwe? Manga muine musangano wemari pakati pavaMugabe;Zuma naObama,saka vatadza kuwirirana Obama abva atora madollars ake akaenda.vaZuma vakatora marands avo vakaenda.
Saka muno hamusisina mari zvino bhazi ravakuita mombe kubva kuHarare kuenda kuBulawayo chenji imbudzi; kubva Harare kuenda Masvingo idhongi,chenji imbwa. 
Mutare kuenda Harare imbudzi, chenji ihuku. Kubva Harare kuenda nyamapanda 50kg yemanyowa. Makombi local shiri kuenda shiri kudzoka kana mbeva mbeva

Proudly Zimbabwean kuita sei?

Unonzwa munhu achiti
Proudly Zimbabwean. Using American dollars to buy Chinese clothes, Mozambican rice Zambian snickers and jeans,Indian cosmetics, Brazilian hair & Nigerian fabric !
During leisure time they watch English soccer and South African channels ... Kumadziro kune South African degree...
Panze pane  ka Japanese car .... 
Saka hu proudly Zimbabwean hwacho huri papi apa imi muchiramba mabond coins..

Maticha haazivi zvaanoda!

Mateacher makanzi pfekai mauniform mukaramba. Hezvo nhasi hurumende yoti irikutanga kubhadhara mauniformed forces imi mochema. Saka munodei chaizvo?

Masasi ekupenga - pillow fight muZimbabwe

In western countries, pillow fighting with your partner tends to be an interesting game but in Zimbabwe it is a dangerous game......simply because ma pillow edu akazara nhumbi sharu nematombo eminamato!!. Unokuvara heavy!

Mushini wekubata mbavha

Svondo rapera kuJapan kwakagadzirwa mushini wekubata mbavha. Pawakasvika USA wakabata  mbavha 750 withn 1hour.
Ku Zambia wakabata 1000 within 30mins.
Pawakasvika Zimbabwe, paMBARE within 15mins wanga watobiwa! 

NMB haina withdrawal limit

Mari yanetsa, but vanoda easy access to their funds vhurai account  neNMB.
And you can withdraw any amount that you want, no questions asked..

No bank charges 


National Mattress Bank, unongoisa mari yako pasi pe mattress