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Chisikana chidofo dofo

Chimwe chisikana chidofo dofo, changa chakazvipengera nekunaka, chaka wana 5 out of 100 pasvomhu!!

Murairidzi, uyo aiva munhurume, ndokunyora mubhuku kuti "SEE ME!!" achiti achibatsire. Asi chisikana chiya chakatofunga hacho zverudo, ndokunyorawo reply mubhuku imomo chichiti: 

"Hapana muuyu unovinga shiri!!! Iwe huya undione.... Kana uri serious nezvangu!!"

kupinda mu states by ginya

Hanzi there was this own who was trying to gain entry into the US, but zvanga  vakamu pressera. They weren't allowing him to come in. Saka he was really begging for mercy and  finally, they decided to give him a quiz, and if he passed it, he would be allowed in. So, he was asked to use the following three words in a sensible sentence: "green, yellow and pink". Haa-a maface, blazo ndokugara pasi and he started thinking.  
After a while, dzaka jamba coz he thot kuti manje nhasi ndatopinda.Saka he confidently goes like,"The phone goes green greeeen,I pink it up and then grinning I say,..Yeeelllooooww!!!" 


Singular ne ma plurals...

kwai isu takadzidza stereki. pataive kuchikoro taita ma singular ne ma plurals.
kwai ticha akatiudza kuti Tom munhu mumwe uye Thomas vanhu vaviri.

Lotto yabatwa nezvimwe

Two boys bought a state lottery (lotto) ticket vari vese ndobva vawinna  $25000 then they were told kuti they had to share 50-50 zvikanzi:

 "A! Kusheya? Kana zvirizvo chitidzorerai mari yedu"

Masikati here kana manheru

Hanzi vamwe blaz vakaenda ku Kadoma vachibva pfanyas for the first time .So manheru sezvo kwaipisa dzakafunga kumbotonhorerwa dzichifamba famba mumastreets , dzichifamba kudaro dzakasangana nevarume two vanga vakadhakwa vachiitirana nharo , mumwe achiti
masikati mumwe achiti manheru . 

Saka vakati rega tibvunze blaz uyo ari kubva uko zvikanzi " nhai blaz masikati here kana kuti
manheru ?" Blaz nekupusa vakabva vati " Handisikuzivawo ndasvikawo
kuno nhasi

Arghhh agoita imba mbiri?

hanzi paiva neumwe rich man akati kune umwe poor man, "taura anything chaunoda kuti ndikuitire, asi chaunenge wasarudza ichocho i will double that kuna neighbour wako." poor man akafunga kuti akati kuna rich man amutengere Benz neighbour wake aizowana 2 maBenz. akafunga kuti rich man amutengere imba akaona zvichimugwadza kuti neighbour wake aizowana dzimba mbiri. poor man dzakagara pasi dzichifunga kuti ndosarudza chii. akabata shaya akati kuna rich man, "o.k. ndaziva manje ndazofunga zvakanaka, ndinoda kuti undibvise ziso."

Quarter Chicken

kwahi imwe blaz yaonekwa ichidya quarter chicken yenguruve papublic pasina vanhu.

Jarzin - Mwana we huku chii

Hanzi kamwe kamudhara kekuLawezi kakasangana na Jarzen man Lazy T, zvikanzi baba maita mhanza yekusangana neni murume wamadhora ndinokukwazisai ne $5,00, kakabva katambira kachibata musoro kachishaya kuti ndoipi iri kujaivhika, kakabva kanzi tine mari yakawanda sitereki mukakwanisa kupindura mibvunzo yese,zvikanzi mubvunzo wekutanga:
"Mwana wehuku anonzi chii?", kamudhara kakabva kadhiniwa zvikanzi:
" mufana unorwara maningi, unandibvunza mwana wankuku ini, enda unobvunza baba wacho jongwe,"

boni

Boni ane zimhuno ziguru. Saka nhasi seValentine's day atora musikana wake akagumira Grade 3 (ane makumbo makobvu)kuenda kuhotera. Vanga vachitaure zvakanaka fani. 

Vasvika pamusiwo wehoterai Boni abva avhura door akati kumusikana "Ona Ladies" Musikana akati "aa IweOna Nose"
Apa anga achifunga kuti Boni amutuka achiti makumbo ake akakoresa.

Ma robotsi

panga pane muchinda anga angobva kumusha......so aifamba zvake mutown ndobva aswika parobot yanga irigreen....akabva amira paya ndokuposer achiti aritorwa pikicha asi Robot rakabva rachinja kuita red within the next minute...mukomana ndokutanga kuchema achiti "Ah..iwe urikunditsvukisira ziso nekuti urikuda dollar rangu! Handisi kuda naro ini!"

Ndakangamwa manhingi angu

Vamwe baba vakadaidaidzwa kuinterview.Musi weinterview waka svika.So he woke up early for the interview.Vakasvika about 15 minute earlier.Vakatambirwa nekasecretary kechinose,zvikanzi asecretary "good morning sir,what can I do 4 yu?"Blaz vheti yaivanetsa zvakaipisisa,vakabva vapindura vachiti Morning,I have come for intervals.Secretary akabva aseka zvakabhowa blaz,blaz vakange vatobvisa maglaz emaziso vaisa patable yasecretary nekubhowekana vakabva vasimuka zvimwe zvechiramwa zviye zviye apa amnga muri muninth floor.By the time akasvika paground floor akabva afeeler kuti akanganwa maglaz ake.So he went back kuna secretary.Secretary ndokuti Oooh sir yu have come back again.Sekuru ndokuti well I have forgotten my testicles

Greetings: by Moses Chunga

Moses Chunga visited Birmingham for a soccer match. On arrival at the
airport he met some reporters who then asked him if he wanted to greet
someone from Zimbabwe. Moses Chunga went on to say "I would like to say hie
to my Mum and Dad not forgetting my Mother and Father"

Futi ndanga ndakapfeka...

Mablazo two atongwerwa kufa mu court. Akabva anzi moda kuuraiwa sei. Fearing much pain, blazo1 asked to be shot in the head. He was then quickly
dealt with. 
blazo2 akati anoda kuinjectwa ´AIDS´ virus. Then he asked if he could go to the bathroom. This puzzled the executor, but akamubvumidza kuenda. On returning he was then given the so requested dose. He was then asked to leave. Can you guess what he said
before he left?
"Futi ndanga ndakapfeka Condom!"

Mwana haasi kuuya kubasa

Kwahi imwe shasha yakanakigwa nedoro ikafunga zvekurovha kubasa, yakabvay ati zvandinekachikwezvamarokwe regai ndifonere bhasi vangu, chinzwai manje nyaya yacho, hasha: 
" I am sorry my son is not coming to work today he's not feeling well", shefu vaya vakabva vabvunza kuti ndiri kutaura nani,zvikanzi: 
"It's my father speaking sir".

Basa pano

Mumwe mukomana akasvika pane imwe kambani pakanga pakaiswa chikwangwani chakanyorwa kuti Basa Pano, achibva apinda achiti ndazoriwana zvino, akasvika parisopusheni achibva anzi aende kwameneja, akasvikobvunzwa nameneja kuti aida basa rei iye ndokuti, " RR will be fine",  pa aireva kuti rese - rese.

Chinoz ku movie

Chinoz went ku eastgate achida kuona movie. Saka asvika pamovie house akaona panyorwa kuti NO UNDER 18 ndokubva dzarova speed kuenda kuden. 

Madam vakashama kuona shasha yakurumidza kudzoka ikati regayi ndibvunze.
"Zvaita seiko Baba makurumidza kudzoka". Chinoz akati:
"Ndashayiwa vanhu 17 vekupinda navo mumovie".

Tangai manzwisisa ma instructions

Mambo vakakokorodza vanhu vakati "Anenge abvisa shumba zino rayo ndiye achabvisawo mwana wangu humhandara."


Shumba yanga yakavharirwa mumba mazuva mashanu isina kudya. Majaya emudunhu
akaedza vese vakafiramo. Mambo akadaidzira kuparara kwemusangano. Kamwewo kamudhara kaitobva kumunda kakabvunza zvaiitika kakanzi kana muchida pindai muneshumba umo kakatsanangurirwa katove mukati.


After 10 minutes dze noise nekuchema mudhara akabuda sweating and tired zvikanzi, "Shumba ndabvisa humhandara musikana anoda kubviswa zino arikupi?"

Handi nhuwi ini

Mukadzi anga arimu court achibvunzwa kuti atsanangure munhu anga amubata chibharo sezvo ma suspects ese aivemo airamba. Mukadzi ndokuti 'munhu wacho anga arimupfupi, anemhanza, anonhuwa...........' Achiripakati pekutsanangura pakabva panzwika izwi richiti.."pfutseke handinhuwe ini"

chinoz achinyora zamanishoni

MuExam yeGeo CHINOTIMBA anobvisa  hembe dzose osara nebrief.
Invigilator: ko zvadiizve nhaivaChinotimba.
chinoz: ndiri kuanswer  number 4 yakanzi answer in brief...

tonde na nhamo

Tonde aigara panext naNhamo muclass. Tonde aikopa Nhamo kusvikira pakukopa nezita chairo. Nhamo akazoudza Tonde kuti asakopa zita instead aise zita rake panenge pakanzi Nhamo . 
Muraiidzi akazoshamiswa netsumo dzaiti :
  1. Rugare tange tonde.
  2. Kuseka tonde kunge rugare.
  3. Tonde itonde zvayo amai havaroodzwe.
  4. Tonde yeumwe hairambirwi sadza.

ndakazvarwa mu...

Biti: ndakazvarwa mu summer time 
Gono: ndakazvarwa mu winter time 
Chinamasa: ndakazvarwa mu spring time 
Chinoz : ndakazvarwa mu airtime

chinoz ku posvo

Chinoz dzakatenga envelope ✉ at a local post office. Dzakaivhura and then screamed on top of his voice into the envelope and ndodva dza vhara hadzo.

Ambuya vemu post office asked him: "Va Chinoz, chiii nhai?"

Chinoz: "Ndiri kutumira voice mail."

blazo achipa ma directions

Weduwe chirungu chakaoma wee!! Umwe mdara was giving directions to a white man.. Go straight then refuse with the road (ramba une nzira) and u will see a big education (high school), kon left (turn left) then u will see a robocop (robot); go down and u will see a big nothing (open space), kon right (turn right), then u will see sunday (church), pass it and pass funeral (cemetery) then u svik (arrive).

Rasta vachireporter case yekubirwa

Rasta vachireporter case yekubirwa kwavo zvinhu kuna member in charge:

Officer: mkoma tingakubatsirai nei?

Rasta: uhh ndakena mawinds officer, ndagadzikwa mudhish,kugadzirirwa size nemarukaz.

Officer: Taura nyaya yako tibatsirane uye ndoda kuita ndichiinyora.

Rasta:Nezuro handina kukushita paden ,vana tsotsilaz vakakomha paden pangu depaz ndokundinyamurira masinhi ese kusara mava ground. Ndatozvijesibhaya monaz kuti ngwanda rashamura neteam dhakwaz yese yabva yapera offsa.

Officer: iwe saka unoti ndonyora document kuti chii nezvauri kutaura.Taura zvakanaka tizive nyaya yako.

Rasta: Plz officer help me coz shwada iri kuoneka pachivanze iri kuratidza kuti iteam reketaz rakanyamura madzinhi angu. Ndipei 3 maneighborukaz tivabate vasati vanwira ngwanda rangu.

Officer: wabirwa hre? taura zvawabirwa tizive

Rasta: realz manga mune heavy chindanga,4 pairs jordan shwada,bhivha colors rine leaf, clober rese rechirasta ,sunja yekwa sizzla,gudza nyumbi plus 2kg yee ....yee... Haa officer ndafinhurwa.

Officer: Kana wakuda kuzoreporter zvakanaka wozouya ikozvino chimbodzokera hako kumba.

Giv thanks to N.G.M. and send dis to al rastas u kno in da zion.

Ndichapa sekuru mukaka wako

Mdhara Serebhu ari mubhazi achibva kubasa akuenda kumba kwake kuWaterfalls akagara paside pemukadzi arikuyamwisa mwana wake apa mwana arikuramba kuyamwa. Mai vaye vanotyisidzira mwana wavo vachiti, ''ukaramba kuyamwa ndichapa hangu sekuru ava mukaka wako'', Bhazi ratifambe fambe vava paroundabout mwana uye achingoramba kuyamwa mai vaye vanopamha zvakare kuti, ''yamwa iwe ndisati ndapa sekuru awa'' , ipapo Mdhara Serebhu anotarisa kuna mai vaye obva ati , ''ambuya rongai zvinhu zvenyu ka1 kana muchindipa ingondipai izvozvi zamhu racho ndiyamwe, hangu mabvira kudhara muchingoti muchandipa zvino ndakangogara muno apa ndanga ndichifanira kuburukira paZindoga'

Chinoz: Application Letter

Application letter

The Foromani
Harare City Kanzuru
Tauni House

Wadiwa Foromani

I beg to put my application fo driving the kanzuru rori .
I went ejukeshenu at Chikokandunye at St Nyoka Mission .

I write Samhu I win , I write shona I win , I write Hisitiri I win,
I write Signs I win, I write Jogirafu I draw, I write VID I win again
so if the job is there , I am coming there .
So I have 5 o level and driving raisenzi in the advertaisimenti

kupedzisira ndinoti munofara here mose ikoko? I come and interview you soon

Wenyu akavimbika,

J. Chinotimba

chinoz vaita accident

JUDGE: Ko chinoz tanzwa kuti watsika vanhu 5 muroad ,chii chaitika
CHINOZ: Zvaitika ndezvizvi vakuru, mota yangu yaputika vhiri ndichi driver mukamwe karoad
JUDGE: e-e?
CHINOZ: Saka kuleft kweroad kwakune vanhu 4 ku right kune 1 ,ndikati rega ndiende kuright zviri nani ndiuraye 1
JUDGE: Zvamamafunga wani.. ko chii chazoiitika kuti muuraye 5?
CHINOZ: Chazoitika ndechekuti 1 uya anga ari kuright azotizira kuleft kune 4 vaya ,saka pandati nditevere 1 uya bva ndabatanidzira nevamwe 4 vaya

chinoz - tsamba ku chimoko

WADIWA GURORIYA

Baby ndokuda kunge nyoka yakafa.
Ndikakufunga ndichiwacha ndinonanika bucket. 
Kwese kwandinoenda handidi kukushaya setoilet. 
Babie l luv yu lyk new radio no gruuu no shhhhhh
Babie unoziva? Ndikakufunga ndichigeza ndomedza sipo!
Urigudo rakaba chibage chemoyo wangu, ndiwe wega
channel inobata pa satelite dish rangu re wiztech
Dai uri nyika yebhora ndaikuita Brazil ndichigohwesa pandodira.
Babe ndokuda zvekuti dai uri mari ndaikumbira mai vako vandikweretese ndoregedza kudzosera chikwereti.
Ndikakufunga ndinobva ndapusa kunge fish dzemugaba. 
Ndikakufunga ndichidya sadza ndoseva pasi. 
Ndikakufunga ndiri pachigayo ndogaisa madhongi. 
Babe unondizadza nerudo se memory card.
Ndokunonga urikure seblue tooth, ndokuda zviri extra kunge mega juice.
Handimbokuisa pabarika kunge dual sim hanty!
Zvekuti pandichakuroora . ndichagara newe kunge  birth certificate. Uchange  uri mumaoko kunge  cellphone...
Dai wainga uri chipfeko  ...u were going to b my 1 underwear ......

Ndini wako anokudisisa kunge air time ye net 1

Chinoz

chinoz - relaxing mu park

Chinoz aive akalaxer zvake mupark, pakabva pasvika a white lady.
White Lady: Oooh are you relaxing?
Chinoz: No i am Chinoz.
White Lady: No i am just asking, are you relaxing?
Chinoz: Haaa ibvapa iwe ndinonzi Chinotimba mhani!
Then akabva asimuka akutenderera zvake mupark,  akabva aona kawhite kid kaitamba zvako...
Chinoz: Are you Relaxing?
White Kid: Yes i am..
Chinoz: Pfutseki wako mhanya kuna mbuya wako vari kukutsvaga. Vari kungobvunza munhu wese kuti are you relaxing, are you relaxing...

unodya wega, ndazvimbirwa

Mumwe muface akanda nebhebhi rake kuchicken Inn ndokubva vadya 2 piecer yake yake. Vapedza ndokudya maicecream apa vangavaguta manje mface akazoti kuna waiter "tipewoka matooth pick" zvikanzi nebhebhi richiyemerera " aah shamwari matooth pick unodya wega ini ndazvimbirwa

ndaibva

Rimwe benzi rakagara haro mumuti...ndobva rangozo zvidonhedza pasi vanhu vaiva pasi vakati ko chii zvikanzi : "ndiri avocado... ndaibva"

Tshaka Zulu

Teacher asked Themba how tall was Tshaka? 
Themba: 1 km Sir,
Chinoz vakabva vapwatika havo nokuseka.....
Teacher: unosekei Chinoz? And he said, zvataurwa naThemba ... 
Teacher: chindiudza answer iwewe.....
Chinoz: 30 cm! hanti zvanga zvakanyorwa kuti Tshaka Zulu was a ruler..

Tinokuya dovi

Mughetto vanhu vanonyora paghedhi pavo kuti, "TINOKUYA DOVI" hamuna kuenda kuchikoro.......
Munofanira kunyora kuti "TINOKUYA NZUNGU KUSVIKA DZADOVI"
ndoshona chaiyo, munogokuya dovi kuti zviite sei......

Ndouya nemakonzo mangwana

Ndini uyo kufamba hangu muOld Highfield ndobva ndaona umwe blazo zvikanzi:
 "mukoma ndirikutengesa kitsi iyi inokwanisa kubata makonzo ese ari pan'anda penyu irikuita $2 chete". 
Ini nekusada kutengeserwa chidhuura ndikati thanks wangu ini hangu handina makonzo kumba kwangu, zvikanzi 
"haisi horror stereki mukaitenga nhasi mondipa address yenyu mangwana chaiwo ndouya nemakonzo acho".

ma results abuda...

ndirikubva kunotora maresults kuchikoro. Hazvina kumbomira mushe.

English. E

Maths. U

Accounts U

Facebook. B

Whatapp. A

Omo ne Surf zvinoburitsa furo here

Mwana muClass:

"Sir, ko tika mixer Omo ne Surf washing powder panobuda furo here?

Teacher: "Yes panobuda furo, handidi zvikubvunzwa zvisina basa makuseni so mhani"

Mwana achizevezera munzveve yeClassmate yake: "What a stupid answer panoita furo cei isu tisati taisa mvura UMMMM TICHAFOIRA GORE RINO"

Tsamba ku mukwasha

Tsamba kumukwasha.

Anodiwa mukwasha Todd.Ndinotenda chose negirosari ramakatitengera bt mukaka uya unonzi Handy Andy watikuwadza nemanyoka tinovimba kt mudumbu mavhunduka chirungu, hupfu huya hunonzi Vim hausi kutsengeka zvakanaka asi totenda kuti wakati mbembe kuchena, madhuringi anonzi Sunlight irikupupuma neMukwa haasi kutapira takutowedzera shuga, kozoita tsotso dziya dzinonzi Spaghetti dziri kunanauka ukadziisa pachoto.

interview dze vakomana vebhora

Interviews nevakomana ve nhabvu

Dumisani Mpofu
Interviewer : Dumi, you really seemed to enjoy the game
Dumisani: Yes, the game was very much delicious.

Memory Mucherahowa
Interviewer: Memo, how do you feel about scoring such a beautiful goal? 
Memory: I feel immediately! 

Moses Chunga
Interviewer : So Moses, tell us about your family.
Moses: I have one kid. I also have two brothers. There is one in front of me and one behind me. 

Cephas Chimedza
This interview took place on Cephas's birthday.
Interview: Firstly, Cephas we would like to wish you a happy birthday. 
Cephas: Thank you, thank you, same to you.

Francis Chandida
Interviewer : Francis, you seem to have hit such a rich vein of form and you also seem a lot fitter. What is your secret?
Francis: In the morning, I get up and run away. 

Musareka Jenitala 
interviewer : Musa, you have just played an amazing game to help your team win, where to from here?
Musa: I am going home.

Peter Ndlovu
Interviewer : Peter, those were three beautiful babies you put away behind the net. How do you feel?
Peter: Aah iam so ashamed, I just do not like it when these women tell the whole world.

Johannes Ngodzo
Interviwer : Johannes, how does it feel to be man of the match?
Johannes : Actually yes!

Chinoz - Mabori anonzii neChirungu

Mwana: "Dad, mabori anonzii nechirungu?"
Chinoz: "Nxaaa haa ndiri kutambisa mari yangu. Nanhasi hauzive Eyes Cream?"

Chinoz - Kubviswa zino haisi nyore!

Reporter: Chinozi unoti chii nenyaya ye xenophobia? 
Chinoz: Zinophobia vanhu vazhinji inovabata. Ndosaka vasingaende kwa dentist.! Kubviswa zino haisi nyore.

Chinoz - vaimbi vepa Indipendence

Chinoz vanyora list yemaMusicians achaimba paIndependence gala 
  1. Areki Macheso
  2. Ja Pureza
  3. Soja Ravhu 
  4. Kira Ti 
  5. Toki Vhaibhusi 
  6. Se Karazi 
  7. Dhokota Simuzi 
  8. Pita Moyo 
  9. Redhi Swanda 
  10. Metiyasi Mhere 
  11. Renadhi Zhakata
  12. Charusi Charamba 
  13. Wingi Dhi 
  14. Roki 
  15. Arekisio Kawara
Endi meni mo

Dofo re svomhu

Dzaingondinetsa Maths zvaizivikanwa nemunhu wese, Ndaitoti kana ndazama chaizvo ndinenge ndawana 20%. Ndaiwanzowanikwa ndirimuvanhu 4 vekupedzisira pamatest ese. 

Rimwe zuva takanyora test tapedza teacher ndokumaker ndokupedza. Vakazoti zvino akudeedzera munhu nemark yake apa vaifarira kudeedzera vachitanga nepasi kureva kuti anenge afoirisa ndiye aitangwa. Vakadedzera teacher 4%kusvika pa 10% zita rangu musi iwoyo palast four harina kuwanikwa vanhu vakatanga kungonditarisatarisa.

Vakadeedzera kusvika ku20 % handipo wena vaku50% rangu risati radanwa shamwari yangu
yandaigara nayo yakatanga kundirovarova musana kuratidza kuti nhasi wakwapura wena.

Teacher vakuma90% class yese ndobva yanditarisa ini hana yangu ichingoti bha bha ndobva ndanatsozembera chair yangu ndakagadzirira zvino kuchivaratidza  kuti handina  kuchipa musandijairire 95% harisati radanwa wena zvino teacher vasara nebepa one mumaoko ndakabva ndatanga kupfinyira pfinyira shirt yangu kuti sa highest ndinatsotora bepa rangu
nestep yechigentleman. 

Ndakabva ndanzwa teacher voti panebenzi risina kunyora zita pabepa iri ngariuye ritore bepa raro rine 2%

Nha

Nhamo na Welly vaidzidza vese mu class imwe. Nhamo aigona chikoro zvekuti bhe! Asi Welly waiva dofo ramakoko, zvekuti aitopona nekukopa Nhamo. Saka Nhamo aka chema chema kuti
shaa usakope zvese nezita unochinja woisawo rako.
Mangwana acho vakabva vapihwa bvunzo reshona raisanganisira tsumo,hoyo Welly avakuti pese pakanzi Nhamo iye kwaakunyora Welly. 

Hedzo tsumo dzaakanyorwa naWelly ,
  1. Welly yemumwe hairambirwi sadza .
  2. Rugare tange Welly 
  3. Kuseka Welly kunge rugare 
  4. Welly iWelly zvayo amai havaroodzwe
  5. Welly neman'a hazvisiyani
  6. iWelly yefodya kuti uku yakarumwa uku inotsva

Chinoz- hauna kundibata

Chinoz akamuka pakati pehusiku ndokutanga kuseka, mukadzi wake akapepuka ndokubvunza kuti ko urikusekei pakati pehusiku hwakadai ? Chinoz akati. Aaaa ndarota wandibata ne girlfriend yangu yekumufakose saka ndirikuseka kuti hauna kundibata ndanga ndichirota.

Kachiri kadiki

Conductor: Eeh ambuya mwana ane 3yrs anobhadhara muno mukombi, wenyu anemangani uyo?
Ambuya: Ane 36months.
Conductor: haa ok kachiri kadiki

Tsamba ya Brighton yekuramba basa

LETA OF STOPING JOB.

Dear bhosi

I ryt this leta to refuz job as gardenboy. Enafu is enafu! Yu didi not add money from long ago. U giv mi young money witch can only by 5 pakets of shuga. Evry moon yu giv mi envilope, I open only to c young money inside. One de I wek ap let bcoz i was seek, madam kik me lyk soka. My board was hate lyk I waz bitten 619 race-ling. This is ova, am also a woman beeing.

Yrs fatefuli

Braai-tone

Vakomana chirungu chakaoma!

Vamwe bhudhi vaitengesa mavegetables kumarket. Kwakauya murungu akathenga neR100 manje bhudhi Havana change. 
Bhudhi kwakuti kumurungu money is together murungu akati what? 
Bhudhi vakati money is meeting, murungu akati: I don't understand. 
Bhudhi vakati money is mixed murungu kwakuti I can't get you 
Bhudhi vakati money is in a relationship, murungu akati come again 
Bhudhi vakati money is joined murungu akati please explain 
Bhudhi vakati money is one. Murungu akati I beg your pardon 
Bhudhi vakati: R1 is here R2 is here R5 is here R10 is here R20 is here R50 is here   achinongedzera R100) akati they are the team.

Ndiani aridza tsamwa

Teacher says kuvana, 'anenge atanga kupindura mubvunzo wangu correct anobva aenda kumba, '
jojo dofo achibva aridza tsamwa zvikanzi na ticha Ndiani aridza tsamwa, zvikanzi na Jojo, ndini, bye bye ndaenda ini....

Munamato wa dread

Munamato waDredhi:
Almight jah in the heaven pihwai sando dzenyu mdhara bcoz munotispakira mazhets ese tipeiwo mhasuru dzemweya kuti satani asatiuraire bhasikoro,anofanira kuziva kuti hamuite hamuite paanozocheka masettings anofanira kushaya kuti zvinhu zvacho zvirikumbofambasei tokusimbisai bigtym mdara god tobatana later muzita remudhon wenyu jesu ndasasa.
Amen

Sentence ina shuga

Teacher: Simba ndipewo sentence ine izwi rekuti 'sugar'. 
Simba : amai vakunwa tea. 
Teacher: saka izwi rekuti 'sugar riripapi apa?. 
Simba: muTea imomo mune sugar

zvigumwe eleven

Jonso ndiye aiva mface muhombe muform 3c apa aichena achidiwa nema bhebhi but gwazhi manga musina. Rimwe zuva akazopfimba chibabe chaidiwa nateacher vemaths chimunewcomer. Teacher vakagaya kuwachisa Jonso muleson. 
Teacher: "Jonso 5+5 answer ndiyani ?". Kuti averenge zvigumwe achionekwa Jonso akatya kumakisa.  Kwaakuisa maoko muhomwe ndokuverengera. 
With confidence Jonso dzakazodaidzira " Answer ndi 11 sir."

Nhasi ndo kune final

Benzi: ''Chiremba ndiri kuita problem yekurota makudo achitamba bhora everyday."
Doctor: "Tora mapiritsi aya wonwa manheru pakurara."
Benzi: "Manje ndotoanwa mangwana nokuti nhasi manheru ndokune FINAL"

chinoz - indigenisation

Reporter : nhai vaChinoz why is it mazuvaano vasikana vachizora zvinotsukisa?
Chinotimba : ndoo inonzi indigenisation tave kugadzira varungu tega muno muZimbabwe

chinoz - marudzi ema kiss

Teacher - ndiani angatipewo marudzi ekiss amunoziva? 
Caleb - deep kiss, 
Gift - french kiss, 
Chinoz - kiss dhondoro. 
Teacher - chii????? 
Chinoz - sorry, kiss musi

Chinoz - tangai nezvidiki

Mwana waChinos fails to spell e word COW.
Teacher meets e parent n let him know..
Chinos respond ... "mungadaiwo mamutanga nezvidiki like mosquitoes not a cow"
Igore rezvidzidzo nhai...

Chinoz - kupfekedza mwana napukeni

Zvikanzi hoyo mubvunzo kuna Cde Chinoz, "Nhai vaChinoz, ko iko kupfekedza mwana ma"Nappies" kunonzi chiiko neChirungu?"

Zvikanzi naCde Chinoz, "Aaaa ibvai apa mhani, munondibvunzireiko zvakapusa kudaro? Ndoinonzi "KIDNAPPING" or ku "Kidnapper" mwana!"

Sei musinga uyi nechingwa?

Wife: Nhai baba mwana zvamave ne 6 months muchishanda kuBakers Inn sei musati mambouyawo nechingwa? 
Husband: Iwe baba vako zvavakashanda 35 years kuDoves vakambouya nechitunha?

Amai dofo vaenda kuchipatara nemwana

Nurse: Amai mwana wenyu anonzwei? 
Amai: Shona nechiChangani.
Nurse: Ndobvira kuti ari kubatiswa nei? 
Amai: Nechichira chamunoona chandakamubereka nacho ichi.
Nurse: Ndoreva kuti anosimbiswa nei? 
Amai : Kuda ibota rakavira randave kumupa mazuva ano. 
Nurse: Ano sweater here?
Amai: Anosiweta zvose nekusidhota kana amwa maheu akavirisa.
Nurse: Oyi mapiritsi aya momupa  maviri pazuva. 
Amai: Ko pamumvuri ndomupa mangani?

shongrish

SIPHO: When days are duck, friends are few.

NHLANHLA: Oh My Gosh he boat me flours.

AYANDA: Let me bath the dishes before l sleep.

SIYA: Who case if Kanye Weist is dating Kim Quatation.

NTOKOZO: I'm my mothers only female daughter.

NTOMBI: I miss my Mom and Dead shem.

LEBO: Life is too short to hold garages.

KAY: Eish, I have chest pains all over my body.

SINDI: I meat her after school.

zrp accident report

Pane motokari yerudzi rwesando (hammer) yaroverana ne nhatu mbiri nhatu (323). Paita yemushana (sunny) yapotsa yapindawo mune yekuoma mutezo(hardbordy) . Pasina nguva mandimba akasvika neyekudzivirira(defender)

Charge Office

Caller: Hallo
Officer: Yes taurai henyu
Caller : kuCharge office here
Officer: Yes ndiko chaiko baba,ndingakubatsireyi neyi baba
Caller: Munotengesa maCharger eNokia

Zvinhu zvese zvongo kwira

Mudzidzisi akabvunza vana kuti 1+1 = chii?
Umwe mwana ndokusimuka akati 1+1=4, umwe mudhara aitopfuura achibva kunobhadharirara vana fees ndokuzvinzwa. 

Mudhara uya akabva adzungudza musoro akati "Nzara
ichatiuraya muno munyika! Zvinhu zvichingokwira kudai, kubva ku transport, peturo, zvikafu kana iyo 1+1 yaimbova 2 ikozvino yatokwira yava 4"

mwana wemu hedheni

Inzwai mhinduro dzemwana wemuHedheni paRoad Show. Jona pindura mibvunzo gumi (10) inotevera ugozviwanira shool fees voucher pachena.

1. Jona, tiudze ndiani muBhaibheri anonzi simba rake raibva mubvudzi? 
   Jona: "ndiBob Marley". 

2. Tiudze muchato mukuru mushoko dzvene ramwari wakaitirwa munzvimbo yainzi chii? 
   Jona: "Harare Gardens".

3. Vana veIsrael vakayambuka rwizi rwunonzi chii uye vachiende kunyika ipi? 
   Jona : "Rwizi Limpopo vakanange Joni"

4. Mambo Pharoh vaigara kupi? 
   Jona: "KuState House" 

5. Mambo Jesu vakarova vanhu vaitengesa nekutamba njuga munzvimbo ipi? 
   Jona: "Coppa Cabanna" 

6. Nhai Jona ndiani anonzi akaendeswa kuhere aramba kunyenga mukadzi waPotifa?
   Jona: "ndiGumbura asi haana kuramba kunyenga, ndiye akatorambwa" 

7: Sei Zimbabwe senyika ichinzi iChristian  Country? 
   Jona: "Nenhau yekutora minda" 

8. Zvakaporofitwa nani uye kupi kuti tenzi wedu vachazo batwa vagoshungurudzwa vozorowerwa pamuchinjikwa? 
   Jona: "NdivaMakandiwa paJudgement Night 2" 

9: Zadzisa chirevo ichi: Enda kumujuru iwe simbe ugo.........
   Jona: "Ugorumwa zvekuti ukaone pane churu unosvipe mate" 

10. Ndiani waungati ndiye muporofita mukuru mubhaibheri uye nemhaka yei? 
    Jona "Magaya muhombe bcoz ave kuto sponsor nebhora".

Rondedzero: Akarumwa nechokuchera

Zimsec 2014

Shona Paper 2

Rondedzero : Akarumwa neChokuchera

Chekuchera chinoruma vakomana. Mukoma aichera pasi ndobva pabuda chekuchera iye ndokutanga kutiza, akamhanya akamhanya akamhanya wanikwe chekuchera chiri kungouya. Vanhu vakatora matemo asi chekuchera hachina kutya,chikati naaaye .Mukoma achida kunoti nzvee nechikwere chehuku ndiye ngaaa kurumwa.. Vanhu vachisvika wanei Aah, arumwa nechekuchera.

Shoko rekuti Gonyeti rakabvepi?

Ko shoko rekuti "Gonyeti", Sekuru vako vainzwa murungu wavo achibvunza nechirungu kuti "Has the lorry GONE YET" vakafunga kuti lorry ndiyo yainzi GONYETI. 

chinoz - chicken cuts

Teacher :ndiani angatipewo 2 types dzefood dzekuti tikadzisanganisa tinoburitsa 1type of food. 
Chinoz : chicken ne katsi. Zvinoti buritsira ma chicken cuts.

Pane angaitawo penzura?

Nhai pane angaiteiwo penzura nemacrayons? Ndagashira tsamba kubank kwangu hanzi ndiuye kunodrawer mari mangwana.

10+10 ichii

Baba: 10+10 
Tindo: 15 
Baba: ‎uchafa uri dofo 
Tindo: baba mukaona 20us ne 100 us muno nhonga ipi?
Baba: 100us ka 
Tindo: muchafa muri rombe hantie unonhonga yese

Mupei mushonga wacho rifire mudumbu

Mai B: Baba B, mwana amedza gonzo mhenyu yuwiiiii !!!! 
Baba B : haa handidi mukadzi akapusa tora mushonga wemakonzo umupe rifire mudumbu

Kutemhera vamwe mango mumuti

Hubby: ko zvawanga usingadaire phone wanga uchiitei?         
Wife: ndanga ndiri mumuti ndichitemera shamwari dzenyu dzekubasa mango
Hubby: aaaaaah!! ivo vanga vari pai?
Wife: vari pasi vachinhonga.
Hubby: iwe aah shit dai usina kukwira hauone kuti vanga vachida kukuonerera brugwa rako here?
Wife: ndazviziva ndosaka ndaribvisa brugwa racho ndatokwira ndisina.

svomhu: 5 anopinda kangani muna 20

Teacher : Temba, 5 anopinda kangani muna 20?
Temba: kunoitei? 
Teacher: i maths, weka tione 
Temba: kana muchinakidza,anogona kupinda kana ka 10, asi kana muchibhowa anopinda ka 1

Vana vamazuva ano matofo!

Teacher: what does HIV stands for
Boy : Holiday in Victoria falls
Teacher ( angry): u kidz are stupid.last week wakati mwana wemvuu imvana now u keep repeating ur stupidity and iwewe Fatso I asked u nicely, what's the baby lizard is and yu said lizzy
Cythia ukutoseka hako. That day ndakakubvunza kuti fish inobvepi ukati mugaba. I give up manje.
Tsitsi ndipindure, nyika inogadzira makombi inonzi chii ?
Tsitsi : combination
Teacher: benzi ! Tonde vataurire zvako
Tonde : tsikombi
Teacher:- Simba ndipewo sentence ine word 'sugar'.
Simba:- Amai varikunwa tea.
Teacher:- Saka izwi rekuti 'sugar' riripapi apa?.
Simba:- Mu tea imomo

Chirungu chacho kana chadai regai

Mkomana aiva form 4 akanzi nababa vake anyore 5 sentences kubva kushona oisa mu english 
  1. Ndawana mari nekutengesa maponde - l get money by selling many sex 
  2. Ndine makore 18 - l have 18 clouds 
Baba vakabva vati chirega hako mwanangu!

Kuri kudiwa affidavit

MOSES : Shaa ma1, ndakarasa licence saka ndanzi ndiuye ne after david.
CHENGE: After David ndiyani?
MOSES : Chibepa chinosainwa na Commissioner of goats.
CHENGE : kkkkkkkkk (shaking her head) Moses enda kugwazh

Babie raba dstv smart card

Babie rinouya kumba kwako robva raba DStv card, rozotumira text message kwauri,"Honey ndatora bank card rako rawanga wakaviga muDVD player mako"

ka type ke vheji

Nezuro ndakatengera musikana wangu we kuMasvingo maruva. Ndikamatumidzira pabhazi. Nhasi ndawana tsamva kubva kwaari:

"Thanks daddy neka type ke Vheji kamakatitumira,kakaipa mudovi"

Masasi ekupenga: Bond notes

Ko nhai zvakuri kunzi vanhu varikumbodzidziswa zvemaBond notes  zvoreva kuti vanenge vapasa ndivo vachapihwa chete here ndigare ndafoira hangu

Musikana dofo - geography

Hanzi musikana anga achinyepera mukomana kuti akadzidza iye asina. So vakazoenda kuhotel . Mukomana akabvunza musikana kuti "iri cei geography?" Musikana akati" iri right asi ndajaira kuidya ine nyama."

Ku flasha foni

Ndapinda mu town nhasi, ndichibva ndati regai ndimbopinda muchimbuzi, ndokuwana vamwe ambuya vachichema.
Zvandinetsa, ndikabvunza kuti muri kuchemei? Zvikanzi ndauya kuzogadzirisa foni yangu, zvino zvanzi inoda kutanga ya flashiwa.
Zvino ndaflasha, apa ndakamirira kut ibude manje haisi kubuda ndava nenguva ndapinda muno.

summer time kana kuti winter time?

Boy; Unofarira nguva ipi.summer time
kana winter time Sweety.
Girl; Swty....handifarire dzose dzawataura idzo.
Boy; then which time?
Girl; ndinofarira airtime honey