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Fata achibatsira gungano rake

Umwe mwana kumusha akagara pasi muchechi asina bhurukwa fata vaka zviona vakati: "mwana, kana chechi yapera undione."

Mwana akaenda kunovaona zvikanzi nafata "Tora $10 utenge mabhurukwa wanzwa!"

Mwana akafara, amai vacho vakazviona then next weekend vakaendawo vasina bhurukwa ndo kunogara pa front row vaka shadabura. Zvikanzi na fata "amai mundione , kana chechi yapera".

Amai vakaona fata ndokubva fata ati, "Amai oyi 2rand mutenge razor"

Shamwari dzinovaka

I went to Church this Sunday and the apostle said I must only play neshamwari dzinovaka. Saka kubvira nhasi ndakutamba hangu nemabhiridha.

Makarasikirwa hamuzive zvinonaka

Mupriest weroma akabatsira murume wechipostori netransport. Mupriest akatanga kudya pork pie yake ndokuti kumpostori "huyayi tidye...". Baba vaya ndokuti "handidye pork". Mupriest ndokuti "aaa makarasikirwa hamuzive zvinonaka.!". 

After sometime mupostori asvika paaida kusarira ndokuburuka achitenda nekubatsirwa netransport akati "mofamba zvakanaka monosombisa mudzimai wenyu nevapwere." Mupriest ndokuti handina mukadzi hatitenderwi kuroora. Mupostori ndokuti "aaaa saka makarasikirwa hamuzive zvinonaka." 

panouya vanhu kuzo bata maoko

Vamwe baba vakati vava kufa, vakati regai ndiraire mwana zvokuita parufu pachauya vanhu vachibata maoko.

Panouya mapostori, uvige sugar, 
Pachauya veAnglican uvige doro , 
Pachauya veMethodist uvige  nyama , 
Panouya maPentecost uvige mari, 
Panouya veEndtime (Gumbura) uvige amai vako.

the devil is a liar parufu

Mukadzi akanzi ape speech parufu rwe murume wake...akati...the devil is a LIAR !! Vanhu vese vakati AMEN !...akati...Satan atora murume wangu... BUT HE IS A LIAR MHANI. vanhu...vakati AMEN....
akati ..IN THE NAME OF JESUS,,,MANGWANA CHAIYE NDINENGE NDANE MUMWE....vanhu vakati ziiii

Yambiro kuva paridzi - mboko

WARNING!

ATT: To all preachers

Pullpit language adjustment to all the devil cursers. Zviya zvekutukirira Satan muchiti "satan imphoko!!!" To be stopped with immediate effect. Mphoko is the new Zanu PF and Zimbabwe 2nd Vice President. Kana zvanetsa mungatoti "satan mujuru!!!!"

kupfimba ne bhaibheri

Tindo achishandisa bhaibheri kupfimba:

Tindo: Une mukomana here?
Girl: Handina
Tindo: Gen 2:18 "Jehova Mwari akatizve, Hazvina kunaka,kuti munhu agare ariwoga, ndichamuitira mubatsiri akamukwanira.

Girl: Handikudei bhudhi.
Tindo: 1 John 4:8 Usingadi haazivi Mwari, nokuti MWARI RUDO

Girl: Ndoziyasei kuti urikurevesa nemashoko ako aya?
Tindo: Matt 12:34 Nokuti muromo unotaura zvizere pamoyo

Girl: Manje ndoziya sei kuti wakatendeka muzvokwadi?
Tindo: Mark 13:31 Denga napasi zvichapera asi mashoko haaperi

Girl: But why wada ini? Vasikana hobho pasi rese
Tindo: Prov 31:29 Vakunda vazhinji vakaita zvakanaka, asi iwe unovakunda vese.

Girl: But waonei mandiri chaita kuti undide?
Tindo: Song of Solomon 4:7 Akaisvonaka, iwe shamwari yangu, Hakuna gwapa kwauri.

Girl: Uhmmmmmm, wakuwedzera tunzungu iwe?
Tindo: Prov 31:30 Zvinofadza zvinonyengedzera, unaki hauna matura. Asi mukadzi anotya Jehova, ndiye anofanira kurumbidzwa.

Girl: Saka ndikabvuma chii chinoitika?
Tindo: Gen 2:24 Naizvozvo munhu anofanira kusiya baba naamai vake, anamatire mukadzi wake vave nyama imwe.

Girl: Uhmmmm, sei uchiziya bhuku dzvene kudaro?
Tindo: Joshua 1:8 Bhuku iyi murairo haifaniri kubva pamuromo wako asi unofanira kurirangarira masikati nousiku kuti uchenjere kuita zvose zvakanyorwamo. Nokuti nokudaro uchazviwanira mufaro panzira yako nokubata nokuchenjera.

Girl: Woow, i can see you love God
Tindo: Ps 34:8 Ravirai henyu muone kuti Mwari Havana chinhu chakanaka chavangashaiwa.

Girl: Mmmm, ok chimbondipa nguva ndifunge nezvenyaya yako
Tindo: Philippian 4:8 Pakupedzisira hama dzangu zvose zvazvokwadi zvose zvinokudzwa, zvose zvakarurama zvose zvakachena zvose zvinodikanwa zvose zvinorumbidzwa kana kunaja kupi nekupi kana chingarumbidzwa chipi nechipi, fungisisa izvozvo

Girl: wow, Tindo ndinenge ndatokuda ini
Tindo: Revelation 22:21 "Amen"

miracle sex ya wasu

Wasu in court -
Judge:  "Imi wasu mukupiwa mhosva yekushandisa mubobobo paCopa Cabana munotii nazvo? "
Wasu: "Pakaitwe miracle money vanhu vakaite happy pakazoitwe miracle baby ndokubva vaite jubilate asi ini pandangoite miracle sex ndabva ndaitwe arrest why???"

Mathew 7 v 7

Themba akanzwa kuti kune pungwe kuZCC akati regai ndimbonoona kuti kwakamira sei, achisvika akawana mufundisi achiti yave nguva yekuzorora chimborarai zvishoma. Sezvo kwaitonhora Temba akatanga kutsvaga angamubatsira kuti adziirwe. Themba akafunga kutsvaga zvihunhi, achingoti fambei kubva pavanhu akaona vamwe sisi vachiwaridza ndokukumbira gumbeze ndokunzi huyai mupinde sezvo paive pagungano ramwari hapana chakaipa chaifungirwa. Akati adziirwa ropa rakatanga kumhanyamhanya Themba ndokutsvanzvadzira garo rasisi, sisi vaya ndokuti Metthew 7 v 7. Achinzwa izvi Themba akazeza akasiya , garegare akapamha sisi ndokdzokorodza Metthew 7 v 7. Kwaedza Themba akatenda ndokuenda zvake. Kuzoti aveega akavhura vers riya ndokuwana richiti kumbira unopihwa. Naizvozvo hama yangu ziva shoko ramwari usazo potswa nezvinonaka

Mfundisi abvunzwa nzira yeku posvo

Mufundisi akabvunza chidhakwa nzira yeku Post Office. 
Aratidzwa nzira akatenda chaizvo mufundisi akati kuchidhakwa: "waitabasa wozouyawo kuchurch ndokuratidza nzira yekudenga ".
Chidhakwa chakadzedzereka chichiseka, chikati: "wozoziva yekudenga iwe wambotadza yekuPost Office?"

Eria eoenda nengoro yomoto

Sam naEria vakaenda kuchurch, Eria akakumbira jacket raSam sezvo kwaitonhora. Sam akabva arara mufundisi vachiparidza. Akatozopepuka onzwa mufundisi voti "Hoyo Eria muranda washe akatendeka woenda kudenga nengoro yemoto " Sam akati "Mubatei ane jacket rangu " 

Hokoyo ne police

Shingi angaari mbavha, paakafa coffin rake rakaramba kudzika muguva.
Pastor ndokuita munamato zvikaramba pastor wechipiri, wechitatu zvakaramba
Shamwari yaShingi ndokuti Pastor regai ndikubatsirei, ndokufamba achienda paguva ndokusviko mira paguva achibvaati: 
"Shingi hokoyo nePOLICE!", coffin richibva ratanga kudzika. Wenyu munamato uchanzii?

Usabvisa chiremerera che svutu

USABVISA CHIREMERERA CHE SUIT YAKO!
  • Usabereka setchel kana wakapfeka suit, unobvisa chiremerera che suit yako.
  • Usamhanya chero wanonoka kwauri kuenda sei, unobvisa chiremerera che suit yako.
  • Usafamba uchidya kana kunwa... 
  • Usadya mabanana, mango, chibage
  • Usamwa freezit chero kukapisa sei... 
  • Usadyira pachena unobvisa chiremerera che suit yako
  • Usamira kana kubata bata panotengeswa hembe dzemubhero, kana uchidzida wozotenga usina kupfeka suit.
  • Usaseka zvekubuda misodzi chero pakaita zvinosetsa sei ...iva dignified!
  • Usapopotedzana nevanhu kana kurwa wakapfeka suit.
  • Usapfeka ma Tekkie wakapfeka suit
  • Kana wapinda mu Restaurant, wava kudya ziva matsengero, usanyanya kushama muromo...
  • Usagwegwedura mabhonzo, unobvisa chiremerera che suit yako...
  • Takura Laptop bag chero musina chinhu mukati...
  • Usataura ma Language ese ese kana wakapfeka suit... 
  • Usataura chichawa chero uchichigona,,usataura chitoko kana chimanyika
  • Kunyangwe uchizivana nemahwindi pa rank, ita seusingavazivi, unobvisa chiremerera che suit yako.
  • Usachema chema pakutenga kana wakapfeka suit
  • Batanidza mari yako, usaverenga madhora pose pose
  • Potawo uchiti kune vamwe "Keep change"
  • Zvauriiwe ugomwa scud wakapfeka suit
  • Uchienda kuchurch famba nemhuri yako kwete one one 
  • Kana usina mota usaratidza vanhu kuti waita zvekuchekerera nemubani....
  • Ziva masvikiro pavanhu, ita sewaburuka mota. 
  • Famba nekajira kekupukuta shangu.
  • Usadikitira wakapfeka suit unless uchiparidza.

mwana wemu hedheni

Inzwai mhinduro dzemwana wemuHedheni paRoad Show. Jona pindura mibvunzo gumi (10) inotevera ugozviwanira shool fees voucher pachena.

1. Jona, tiudze ndiani muBhaibheri anonzi simba rake raibva mubvudzi? 
   Jona: "ndiBob Marley". 

2. Tiudze muchato mukuru mushoko dzvene ramwari wakaitirwa munzvimbo yainzi chii? 
   Jona: "Harare Gardens".

3. Vana veIsrael vakayambuka rwizi rwunonzi chii uye vachiende kunyika ipi? 
   Jona : "Rwizi Limpopo vakanange Joni"

4. Mambo Pharoh vaigara kupi? 
   Jona: "KuState House" 

5. Mambo Jesu vakarova vanhu vaitengesa nekutamba njuga munzvimbo ipi? 
   Jona: "Coppa Cabanna" 

6. Nhai Jona ndiani anonzi akaendeswa kuhere aramba kunyenga mukadzi waPotifa?
   Jona: "ndiGumbura asi haana kuramba kunyenga, ndiye akatorambwa" 

7: Sei Zimbabwe senyika ichinzi iChristian  Country? 
   Jona: "Nenhau yekutora minda" 

8. Zvakaporofitwa nani uye kupi kuti tenzi wedu vachazo batwa vagoshungurudzwa vozorowerwa pamuchinjikwa? 
   Jona: "NdivaMakandiwa paJudgement Night 2" 

9: Zadzisa chirevo ichi: Enda kumujuru iwe simbe ugo.........
   Jona: "Ugorumwa zvekuti ukaone pane churu unosvipe mate" 

10. Ndiani waungati ndiye muporofita mukuru mubhaibheri uye nemhaka yei? 
    Jona "Magaya muhombe bcoz ave kuto sponsor nebhora".

Itira mwari zvausati wakamboita

Next Sunday when your pastor says itira Mwari wako zvausati wamboita ,grab the offering basket and run away!

Mu Zimbabwe zviri kufaya nema Anointing Oil

MuZimmbabwe zvirikufaya:

Boss ane anointing oil yake kuti vashandi vanzwisise,mushandi aneanointing yake kuti boss vanzwisise.Mwana wechikoro  aneanointing pen,mudzidzisi aneanointing pen and anointing oil yake kuti ave nevana vanogona. Vasikana varikuno vaneanointing oil yerudo,vakomana vaneanointing oil yekunyenga.Mbavha dzine anointing oil yekuba,vanobirwa anointing oil yekusabirwa.Varimhiri muchadzidza zvakawanda December uno kana mauya

Gudo na tsoko mu Pentecostal church

Tsoko nagudo vakanga vagere  mfundisi vachiparidza, zvikanzi namfundisi udza aripedyonewe kuti wakanaka . Tsoko akatarisa gudo akaseka, akamutarisazve akazunguza musoro, akasimudza ruoko akati mufundisi gudo muudzei mega ini handidi kutadzira mwari.

Pastor vachitaura nezveDenga mu kereke


Pastor: Today i want to talk about heaven,
Interpretor: Nhasi ndikuda kumbotaura nezvedenga, 
Pastor: Not about the sky,
Interpretor: Kwete zvedenga,
Pastor: Not about the roof,
Interpretor: Kwete zvedenga
Pastor: Not about the ceiling,
Interpretor: Kwete zvedenga,
Pastor: But about heaven.
Interpretor: Asi zvedenga.

Unobuda wanzwei ipapa shuwa?

Musi wandaka kangamwa bhurugwa tichienda ku svondo

Waiva musi wesvondo apo taigadzirira kuenda kuchurch.Ndakazonzwa mbuya vakusheedzera kuti Gire chibuda tiende, Apa kana kugeza ndakange ndisina,Ndakazofunga kuti ndaizopfura ndichigeza pachirwizi chaive pedyo nemusha.Ndakati sezvo brugwa rangu rainhuwa weti regai ndiriwache rofamba richioma.Takati tichisvika pamusuwo wechurch ndokuona simon achimhanya akananga kwandiri achidana zita rangu ,sezvo aive ane nguva achindipfimba ndakati arikuda kutaura nyaya yake ndokutizira muchurch.Ndakashamisika vanhu vese vachindicheuka vachiseka ndikati hameno, ndakazoti tati garei ndokuzouya usher pandiri zvikanzi "Sisi bvisai brugwa riri mumusoro."

Ndakange ndakanganwa kuti paye patakageza ndakariisa mumusoro kuti rifambe richioma

Mwana waMwari ndeupi?

Benzi rakapinda mu church rakabata pfuti rikasvika rikati, "Ndiani mwana waMwari ndimuendese kuna baba vake izvozvi?" Hapana munhu akataura kana kudaira. Rakabva radzokorodza zvakare richiridzira pfuti mudenga. "Ndati ndiani mwana wa Mwari muno ndimuendese kudenga kuna Mwari izvozvi?" Vamwe rasta vakabva vasimuka vakanongedzera pastor. Zvikanzi napastor "Iweeee-eeh! Ndisiye zvangu ini ndiri mwana wemuera Soko wepa Murehwa apa! Ndakazoita mwana waMwari riinhi???"

Mbiri yama chechi

Chechi yega yega ine mbiri yayo pasi rino 
Masowe - kuda tea to much unovanzwa hee kumba kwenyu mangwana toisa choto kunenge keri kuda tea nechingwa. 
ZCC - iyo manje 1 ma cash unobvisa mari kushika waneta 

Teacher:Kozanai ndipewo yako chechi 
Kozanai:david killed golliath apostle Ministries 
Class:kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk machechi onyuka semvura yemusuweji 
prosper:dai maipinda henyu ZCC ndiyo chechi

Chinoz - kurasisa Satan

Pastor asked Chinoz to pray for youths travelling
from Harare to Masvingo for a conference. Iye ndokuti, "Baba
tinokukumbirai kuti mutungamirire vana
pavachapfuura nemu Bindura, Chinhoyi
Kusvika Kariba........... *** Pastor interupts*** Ko yava nzira ipi
iyi nhai VaChinotimba? He said, "Ndiri kurasisa Satan. Paachaenda kwese ikoko vana vanenge vasvika kuMasvingo zvakanaka."

Masasi ekupenga: mari yabiwa muchurch

Imagine wabvisa $100 muchurch zvipo zvoverenga zvonzi nhas mari yedu yaita $44. Unoita Sei. Tumirawo vamwe unzwe mhinduro

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