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panouya vanhu kuzo bata maoko

Vamwe baba vakati vava kufa, vakati regai ndiraire mwana zvokuita parufu pachauya vanhu vachibata maoko.

Panouya mapostori, uvige sugar, 
Pachauya veAnglican uvige doro , 
Pachauya veMethodist uvige  nyama , 
Panouya maPentecost uvige mari, 
Panouya veEndtime (Gumbura) uvige amai vako.

the devil is a liar parufu

Mukadzi akanzi ape speech parufu rwe murume wake...akati...the devil is a LIAR !! Vanhu vese vakati AMEN !...akati...Satan atora murume wangu... BUT HE IS A LIAR MHANI. vanhu...vakati AMEN....
akati ..IN THE NAME OF JESUS,,,MANGWANA CHAIYE NDINENGE NDANE MUMWE....vanhu vakati ziiii

Yambiro kuva paridzi - mboko

WARNING!

ATT: To all preachers

Pullpit language adjustment to all the devil cursers. Zviya zvekutukirira Satan muchiti "satan imphoko!!!" To be stopped with immediate effect. Mphoko is the new Zanu PF and Zimbabwe 2nd Vice President. Kana zvanetsa mungatoti "satan mujuru!!!!"

kupfimba ne bhaibheri

Tindo achishandisa bhaibheri kupfimba:

Tindo: Une mukomana here?
Girl: Handina
Tindo: Gen 2:18 "Jehova Mwari akatizve, Hazvina kunaka,kuti munhu agare ariwoga, ndichamuitira mubatsiri akamukwanira.

Girl: Handikudei bhudhi.
Tindo: 1 John 4:8 Usingadi haazivi Mwari, nokuti MWARI RUDO

Girl: Ndoziyasei kuti urikurevesa nemashoko ako aya?
Tindo: Matt 12:34 Nokuti muromo unotaura zvizere pamoyo

Girl: Manje ndoziya sei kuti wakatendeka muzvokwadi?
Tindo: Mark 13:31 Denga napasi zvichapera asi mashoko haaperi

Girl: But why wada ini? Vasikana hobho pasi rese
Tindo: Prov 31:29 Vakunda vazhinji vakaita zvakanaka, asi iwe unovakunda vese.

Girl: But waonei mandiri chaita kuti undide?
Tindo: Song of Solomon 4:7 Akaisvonaka, iwe shamwari yangu, Hakuna gwapa kwauri.

Girl: Uhmmmmmm, wakuwedzera tunzungu iwe?
Tindo: Prov 31:30 Zvinofadza zvinonyengedzera, unaki hauna matura. Asi mukadzi anotya Jehova, ndiye anofanira kurumbidzwa.

Girl: Saka ndikabvuma chii chinoitika?
Tindo: Gen 2:24 Naizvozvo munhu anofanira kusiya baba naamai vake, anamatire mukadzi wake vave nyama imwe.

Girl: Uhmmmm, sei uchiziya bhuku dzvene kudaro?
Tindo: Joshua 1:8 Bhuku iyi murairo haifaniri kubva pamuromo wako asi unofanira kurirangarira masikati nousiku kuti uchenjere kuita zvose zvakanyorwamo. Nokuti nokudaro uchazviwanira mufaro panzira yako nokubata nokuchenjera.

Girl: Woow, i can see you love God
Tindo: Ps 34:8 Ravirai henyu muone kuti Mwari Havana chinhu chakanaka chavangashaiwa.

Girl: Mmmm, ok chimbondipa nguva ndifunge nezvenyaya yako
Tindo: Philippian 4:8 Pakupedzisira hama dzangu zvose zvazvokwadi zvose zvinokudzwa, zvose zvakarurama zvose zvakachena zvose zvinodikanwa zvose zvinorumbidzwa kana kunaja kupi nekupi kana chingarumbidzwa chipi nechipi, fungisisa izvozvo

Girl: wow, Tindo ndinenge ndatokuda ini
Tindo: Revelation 22:21 "Amen"

buda maari iwe dhimoni

A pastor was casting out a demon "ndiwe ani?" Demon "ndini vatete vake" Pastor "unodei maari?" Demon "ndoda kuti awinhe lotto this week" Then the pastor lowers his voice and whispers "buda maari upinde mandiri"

miracle sex ya wasu

Wasu in court -
Judge:  "Imi wasu mukupiwa mhosva yekushandisa mubobobo paCopa Cabana munotii nazvo? "
Wasu: "Pakaitwe miracle money vanhu vakaite happy pakazoitwe miracle baby ndokubva vaite jubilate asi ini pandangoite miracle sex ndabva ndaitwe arrest why???"

Ndiri weku Traffic

Pastor vakasvika nepaZRP ndokuona officer vachirava bible. Zvakavakatyamadza vakati, whaat! Mapurisa anoravawo magwaro nhai? Vakabvunza simple qstion yemubhaibheri vakati: "nhai officer ndiani pakati paCAIN naABEL akauraya munin'na wake?"

Officer ndokuti "Pastor bvunzai constable varimucharge office ndovanodealer nedzeMurder, ini ndiri weku Traffic!"

Kuenda kudenga

Vatendi kana muchida kuenda kudenga musangonamate church dzese dzese tangai MAGAYA musati MAKANDIWA mugomba nekuti muno GUMBURA Mwari gore rino tichadzidza zvakawanda!

Mfundisi abvunzwa nzira yeku posvo

Mufundisi akabvunza chidhakwa nzira yeku Post Office. 
Aratidzwa nzira akatenda chaizvo mufundisi akati kuchidhakwa: "waitabasa wozouyawo kuchurch ndokuratidza nzira yekudenga ".
Chidhakwa chakadzedzereka chichiseka, chikati: "wozoziva yekudenga iwe wambotadza yekuPost Office?"

mwana wemu hedheni

Inzwai mhinduro dzemwana wemuHedheni paRoad Show. Jona pindura mibvunzo gumi (10) inotevera ugozviwanira shool fees voucher pachena.

1. Jona, tiudze ndiani muBhaibheri anonzi simba rake raibva mubvudzi? 
   Jona: "ndiBob Marley". 

2. Tiudze muchato mukuru mushoko dzvene ramwari wakaitirwa munzvimbo yainzi chii? 
   Jona: "Harare Gardens".

3. Vana veIsrael vakayambuka rwizi rwunonzi chii uye vachiende kunyika ipi? 
   Jona : "Rwizi Limpopo vakanange Joni"

4. Mambo Pharoh vaigara kupi? 
   Jona: "KuState House" 

5. Mambo Jesu vakarova vanhu vaitengesa nekutamba njuga munzvimbo ipi? 
   Jona: "Coppa Cabanna" 

6. Nhai Jona ndiani anonzi akaendeswa kuhere aramba kunyenga mukadzi waPotifa?
   Jona: "ndiGumbura asi haana kuramba kunyenga, ndiye akatorambwa" 

7: Sei Zimbabwe senyika ichinzi iChristian  Country? 
   Jona: "Nenhau yekutora minda" 

8. Zvakaporofitwa nani uye kupi kuti tenzi wedu vachazo batwa vagoshungurudzwa vozorowerwa pamuchinjikwa? 
   Jona: "NdivaMakandiwa paJudgement Night 2" 

9: Zadzisa chirevo ichi: Enda kumujuru iwe simbe ugo.........
   Jona: "Ugorumwa zvekuti ukaone pane churu unosvipe mate" 

10. Ndiani waungati ndiye muporofita mukuru mubhaibheri uye nemhaka yei? 
    Jona "Magaya muhombe bcoz ave kuto sponsor nebhora".

Itira mwari zvausati wakamboita

Next Sunday when your pastor says itira Mwari wako zvausati wamboita ,grab the offering basket and run away!

Kana zvadai ngati tize!

Pastor vaibva havo kuchurch nemota yavo ndokuona kamwana kachiedza kubaya interkom kachitadza  kusvikira vakamisa mota kuti vanokabatsira, vakakasimudza kakabaya interkom ikadairwa zvikanzi napastor yadairwa toita sei? Zvikanzi nekamwana ngatitizei 

Zimbabwe yakachipa kufona kana uri ku Gehena

Mubritish, muamerican  nemuzimba vakafa vakaenda kugehena. 
Akatanga mubritish akada kufonera vanhu  vake vekuUK kuti anzwe kuti vasara sei. Akapiwa akafona 5minutes apedza akabvunza kuti imarii satani akati $5million ndokukumbira computer kuti atransfer mari yacho.

Tevere muamerican kusada kusarira akafona 15minutes kwakubvunza kuti imarii satani akati 15million akamunyorera cheque.

Muzimba akafonera vanhu vake akataura 48hrs kwakubvunza kuti imarii satani akati $1, muzimba akachibvunza kuti chii chikonzero? Zvikanzi naSatani kana urikugehena uchifonera Zimbabwe zvakachipa coz iLocal.

Mu Zimbabwe zviri kufaya nema Anointing Oil

MuZimmbabwe zvirikufaya:

Boss ane anointing oil yake kuti vashandi vanzwisise,mushandi aneanointing yake kuti boss vanzwisise.Mwana wechikoro  aneanointing pen,mudzidzisi aneanointing pen and anointing oil yake kuti ave nevana vanogona. Vasikana varikuno vaneanointing oil yerudo,vakomana vaneanointing oil yekunyenga.Mbavha dzine anointing oil yekuba,vanobirwa anointing oil yekusabirwa.Varimhiri muchadzidza zvakawanda December uno kana mauya

Pane muporofita amutsa vanhu ku mortuary kwaRusape

BREAKING NEWS
Pane muporofita amutsa vanhu 2 paRusape mortuary nhasi mangwanani. Thulani Dopito uyo ane makore 30 ekuberekwa amutsa Gilbert Banda 26 na Dorcus Munemo 20 avo vange vakarara nguva dzebasa. Vaviri ava masecurity guards pa mortuary iyi.

Winky D muimbi, kwete muporofita

2016 pamuchaona kuti ma problem enyu haana kuita disappear ndopamuchaziva kuti Winky D muimbi, kwete muporofita

Dhimoni ra Civil Servant

Vedare ndibatsireiwo, kave kepiri zvichiitika pa kirawa rangu ndichishandira vanhu. Rakamuka dhumoni ndiye kikiri-kikiri aah batai batai maziso tuzu sea EYE WITNESS.
Muporofita: Unodei pamunhu waMwari??
Dhimoni:  Ziii.
Muporofita: Ndati ndiwe ani???
Dhimoni: Ndini.
MuporofitaAni???
Dhimoni: Mu civil servant.
Muporofita: Uri kudei ???
Dhimoni: Ndoda bonus rangu.
Muporofita: Kuna ani, iwe nyatsotaura uri  kurida kunaani chaizvo???
Dhimoni: Aaah kana pasina ndave kuenda asi 2017 mukazviita ndodzoka zvakare.
Muporofita: Nezita raJesu enda kune akakunyima bonus.

Kune vari kutsvaka mabasa...

Pane vari kutsvaga MABASA here pano vari serious. Vhurai mabhaibheri enyu new testament panoperera jowani ndipo pana MABASA

Mushonga wekutyiwa nezvinhu zvose

Umwe murume akaenda kun'anga akati asekuru ndipei mushonga wekutyiwa nezvinhu zvose.Asekuru vakagadzira mushonga vakamupa.Murume akati achisvika kumba akaona huku kiti nembwa dzichitiza akati ndazviona,paakapinda mumba mukadzi akabva atiza,murume akaenda zve kun'anga kuti aiudze kuti kwete mudzimai,n'anga payakamuona yakabva yatiza kkkkkkk

Gudo na tsoko mu Pentecostal church

Tsoko nagudo vakanga vagere  mfundisi vachiparidza, zvikanzi namfundisi udza aripedyonewe kuti wakanaka . Tsoko akatarisa gudo akaseka, akamutarisazve akazunguza musoro, akasimudza ruoko akati mufundisi gudo muudzei mega ini handidi kutadzira mwari.

Mazita anoenderana nenguva

Nhai ndibatsireiwo munoriona sei zita iri.... my friend gave birth to a bouncing baby boy saka andibvunza zita reshona rechimanje manje . Ndamuti SANDODZASHE, ririsei?

Pastor vachitaura nezveDenga mu kereke


Pastor: Today i want to talk about heaven,
Interpretor: Nhasi ndikuda kumbotaura nezvedenga, 
Pastor: Not about the sky,
Interpretor: Kwete zvedenga,
Pastor: Not about the roof,
Interpretor: Kwete zvedenga
Pastor: Not about the ceiling,
Interpretor: Kwete zvedenga,
Pastor: But about heaven.
Interpretor: Asi zvedenga.

Unobuda wanzwei ipapa shuwa?

Masasi ekupenga - kusadya nguruve

Wotonzwa vamwe vachiti heee hatidyi nguruve nekuti ndoo makaiswa ma dhimoni a Rigiyoni. But munovaona vachinwa mvura. Koo nguruve dzacho dzakadonhera payi?...muscud here?

Musi wandaka kangamwa bhurugwa tichienda ku svondo

Waiva musi wesvondo apo taigadzirira kuenda kuchurch.Ndakazonzwa mbuya vakusheedzera kuti Gire chibuda tiende, Apa kana kugeza ndakange ndisina,Ndakazofunga kuti ndaizopfura ndichigeza pachirwizi chaive pedyo nemusha.Ndakati sezvo brugwa rangu rainhuwa weti regai ndiriwache rofamba richioma.Takati tichisvika pamusuwo wechurch ndokuona simon achimhanya akananga kwandiri achidana zita rangu ,sezvo aive ane nguva achindipfimba ndakati arikuda kutaura nyaya yake ndokutizira muchurch.Ndakashamisika vanhu vese vachindicheuka vachiseka ndikati hameno, ndakazoti tati garei ndokuzouya usher pandiri zvikanzi "Sisi bvisai brugwa riri mumusoro."

Ndakange ndakanganwa kuti paye patakageza ndakariisa mumusoro kuti rifambe richioma

Mwana waMwari ndeupi?

Benzi rakapinda mu church rakabata pfuti rikasvika rikati, "Ndiani mwana waMwari ndimuendese kuna baba vake izvozvi?" Hapana munhu akataura kana kudaira. Rakabva radzokorodza zvakare richiridzira pfuti mudenga. "Ndati ndiani mwana wa Mwari muno ndimuendese kudenga kuna Mwari izvozvi?" Vamwe rasta vakabva vasimuka vakanongedzera pastor. Zvikanzi napastor "Iweeee-eeh! Ndisiye zvangu ini ndiri mwana wemuera Soko wepa Murehwa apa! Ndakazoita mwana waMwari riinhi???"

Mbiri yama chechi

Chechi yega yega ine mbiri yayo pasi rino 
Masowe - kuda tea to much unovanzwa hee kumba kwenyu mangwana toisa choto kunenge keri kuda tea nechingwa. 
ZCC - iyo manje 1 ma cash unobvisa mari kushika waneta 

Teacher:Kozanai ndipewo yako chechi 
Kozanai:david killed golliath apostle Ministries 
Class:kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk machechi onyuka semvura yemusuweji 
prosper:dai maipinda henyu ZCC ndiyo chechi

Vanhu vanoda chirungu kudarika chivanhu

  • Ndopaunoona munhu achiramba mvura yemuteuro achida anointed water 
  • Kutoramba kubatsirwa nemuporofita asi achida prophet
  • Hanzi handipfeki shinda dzomunamato asi ndopfeka wrist band
  • Kuti handinamate mufananidzo asi aine chidhori chine mufananidzo waprophet 
  • Kuramba kuyereserwa cooking oil kumasowe achida kunamatirwa anointing oil
  • Munhu kuramba kunzi Mupostori Asi uchizviti Apostle Chakadaro.

Zvasiyanei idzo pentecostal nemapositori?

Ndatonzi ukasimuka hokoyo!

Pastor akapa announcement muchurch kuti murume wese anotongwa nemukadzi ngaauye kumberi,varume vakaita mudungwe kuenda kumberi kukasara kwakagara murume mumwe, Zvinova zvakashamisa pastor. Vakabva vati chitipawo solution kudambudziko ratinaro pano nokuti ndiwe usina problem. The man replied, 'ndatonzi ukasimuka hokoyo'! 

Ndimi (tongues) mu keraz pa London

IMAGINE: When you are in church in London then somebody begins to speak in tongues and you hear him saying:
"Chibabababa...chibaba chibhuru... chitateguruuuu....... chigunduru chakadya nduru...televhizhan tingz... kankaring" 
Unoitasei?

Kupfimba sisi veku pentecostal church

Mamwe maSister ekuchurch haasvikirwe zvedzungu . Ukada kuti hi sister makanaka ndakudai unogona kunzi, "get thee behind me satan". Saka unotoita plan... Wakaisa msoro paside, uri 3 metres away wobva wati:
"Sister muri wonderfully and fearfully made, Psalms 139 vs 14. Body yenyu i good measure, pressed down shaken together and runing over ,Luke 6 vs 38". 
Unonzwa sisi voti: "ah imika, i receive"

Masasi ekupenga - pastor vachidzinga dhimoni

Pastor vaiedza kudzinga demon , " mweya wepoverty out!!! Demoni rikati ndoendepi imi makapfeka bhachi remubhero"

Masasi ekupenga: mari yabiwa muchurch

Imagine wabvisa $100 muchurch zvipo zvoverenga zvonzi nhas mari yedu yaita $44. Unoita Sei. Tumirawo vamwe unzwe mhinduro

Kudavira kunoita vechikadzi kana mufundisi ati halleluya

Kana muri muchurch mfundisi akati Hallelluya tusikana tune 10-15 yrs tunoti Amen.

Vanenge vaanetarisiro yekuda kuroorwa vane16-25 pakanzi Hallelluya vanoti a man.

Vanenge vakurisa vasina kana anomboti cc mirayipo pakanzi Hallelluya vanenge vakutiwo any man.

Vanenge vakwegurawo vasisina tarisiro yekuroorwa nokuda kwekushayisisa akamboti cc kubvira vachiri mhandara chaidzo pakanzi Hallelluya vanoti Aaaaaaamenoo.

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